There are no small actors, only small parts.

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Sixth grade brought uncertainty about friends. I didn't know where I would be in the social pecking order. Soon enough, things blew over and friendships were made/patched. I didn't return to the queen bee's side, but I was a "friend." A friend in high school described my social status metamorphosis quite aptly: "You kind of fell off the social ladder in high school."

I became a congenial acquaintance to most everyone in high school; however, the only people I still talk to from high school are those who were on my cross country team.

Anxiety didn't necessarily disappear, but it seemed to take a backseat during most of middle school and high school. Nervous situations naturally arose: school plays, sports competitions, dating. But I have no defining memories of anxiety making my decisions at that time.

I do recall having a few anxiety-driven experiences during my senior year.

Cross country:

The night before the race I ate at 6 p.m. then went to bed about an hour later. In the morning, I ate half of a granola bar and a few sips of water. No, this wasn't my normal pre-race routine. This was my last chance at going to state for cross country.

The state championship had been a goal of mine for nearly seven years. My senior season hadn't been ideal; midseason, I disconnected the muscles and tendons from my metatarsals in my right foot. After spending 3-4 weeks training on a stationery bike and in the pool, I was cleared to run in the conference championship race. I came in 13th place; the top 12 were all-conference. I went on to place second in sectionals and third in regionals. The local newspaper had predicted that I would be in the top 20 (the top 15 went to state) for semi-state.

I went slow at the beginning, not wanting to burn myself out. Instead, I put myself into a slow pace. Combine an irregular race pace with irregular pre-race activities/nourishment, you get a 32nd place finish. While I didn't make it individually, I held on to the hope that we would qualify as a team. Tears were flowing when I found out that we missed going by four points. If I had raced as expected, we would have qualified. That might have hurt the most.

Dating:

Towards the middle of my senior year, I finally had an official boyfriend. After a few minor coming-of-age hiccups, I was comfortable. Except for when I tried to go out to eat. I could eat a little but not much. Suddenly I had become the girl who ate like a bird even though I was ravenous. No matter how much I wanted to eat, I just couldn't eat more. Don't worry, we didn't go out a lot and broke up after a month or so; I didn't starve.


(Apparently I looked really skinny here. Frankly, I feel like I look the same as always. And yes, that is the first boyfriend. Insert "Awww" here.)

As I said, anxiety didn't get a leading role in my life during high school. Instead, she took minor rolls. However, she took the saying, "there are no small actors, only small parts" to heart. Anxiety perpetually tried out for roll after roll. She got good. She got lead rolls.

Might be a quarter-life crisis

Toward the end of 2011, I found myself reflecting on years and experiences past. Perhaps it's because 2012 marks a quarter of a century that I've been alive. I think John Mayer's lyrics reflect my feelings: "It might be a quarter-life crisis or just the stirring in my soul."

Years and experiences past have a way of catching up to you. After reading a friend's blog, I decided writing may be the best therapy. She mentioned something in passing that finally made me realize that I'm not alone in my feelings.

I struggle with anxiety.

Perhaps there were minor signs of my struggles in my early childhood, however, they didn't present any real problems. The first anxiety experience that interfered with my normal day-to-day life happened the summer going into sixth grade.

Time to rewind a bit. Fifth grade had not been a proud year. Have you ever seen "Mean Girls"? Pretty similar. I'm not normally a mean person, but if you were going to be in the "in" crowd, you needed to act like it. By the end of the year, I realized that I didn't like who I'd become. I wasn't acting like myself at all. I needed to break ties with my friends.

Breaking away from the queen bee was no picnic. Who wants to be a social pariah? No kid wants to start middle school without a guarantee of a best friend or even a group of friends.

I missed my first day of summer school band because I could not bear to enter the building. I wasn't surrounded by strangers; a lot of these people were kids I had known since kindergarten. I could tell my mom was frustrated with my inexplicable refusal to enter the building. I begged her not to make me go.

The next day was no better. For breakfast, I choked down a piece of toast. The toast stayed in my stomach for about 10 minutes. I couldn't eat. I constantly felt nauseous.

Despite my pleadings, my mom felt it was best that I face my fears. I faced my fears in tears. A hug and a kiss from my mom, and I was thrust into the classroom. As I said before, I knew people in the class. I'll always remember Angie Fieldhouse's kindness. I hadn't been particularly nice to Angie in fifth grade. Despite that, she took me in her arms and told me it would be OK.

That summer was a constant struggle. Eating became a chore. Going to summer band became easier, but other areas of my life took on new difficulties.

Playing softball became harder as I ate less. Not eating tends to make one feel ill. I remember sitting on the bench during a game. My mom (my coach) was trying to cajole me out on the field. She asked me to pitch, and I said I just wanted to go home. That's when she knew there was something wrong. We went home and worked on hydration and eating. Summer tournaments were especially difficult; we were out in the heat all day, and my main source of nourishment came from sucking the juice out of oranges and Goldfish crackers.

We talked to the doctor, and he found nothing wrong. He felt it was simply nerves, what with starting middle school and all.

Life started to get a little easier, and I was able to eat more.

Unfortunately, that summer was merely an introduction to the world of anxiety.

A little less than the holiday spirit ...

Here's something I'm getting tired of hearing:

"Not trying to be mean, but she (she=me) sucked at designing."

Thanks for the confidence booster.

Lessons learned

I'm sure it's taken time to calm down after my thrilling telling of my first real camping adventure. But hold on to your socks; it's time to hear about my first time caving.

OK, truth: I have been caving before. Kind of.

In Rexburg, we have ice caves. (What other kind of caves would we have up there in the good ol' Burg?) I went in them once. It was pretty much a straight shot to the end of the cave; located at the end was an ice slide. It was great, but it was nothing compared to this experience.

Honestly, I would have considered it a good day after the drive up there. Two-hour trip talking with three of my favorite girls? Yes, please.

We arrived at the caves, put on our head lamps and prepared to dive into the unknown.

First lesson learned almost immediately: headlamps were definitely necessary. I'm almost positive that I would have died in there had I not been properly outfitted. (Also, knee pads would have been a nice addition ... maybe some elbow pads, too.)

Second lesson: any further into the mud and I would have ended up barefoot. I barely went into the mud, and it took a surprising amount of strength to life my foot (and shoe) up.

Third lesson: I must stay thin. Those cracks, crevices and holes are SMALL.

Fourth lesson: stay out of any place with "hell" in the title. It wasn't really worth the terrifying moments of claustrophobia.

Fifth lesson: Hansel and Gretel knew what they were doing with those bread crumbs. I never thought I would be relying on intoxicated people to lead me out of a cave. (On the bright side, they did get us out.)

Sixth lesson: a white shirt was definitely the way to go. How else are you supposed to see how dirty you got?

Seventh lesson: a slide with rocks at the bottom is not worth the bruise. Trust me.

Eighth lesson: even though I have chicken-like arms, those babies can lift and pull me with the best of them. I definitely had some "I am woman, hear me roar" moments.

Al in all, it was a delightful trip. I learned valuable lessons but had fun in the process; that is the best way to learn.

Goal for next trip: come out of it less bruised.

Real Camping

I am shamed. It's been a LONG time since I've blogged. Life has actually been pretty full. Better descriptive word: busy. Busy with church callings, busy with work, busy with life.

I'm still rocking it AZ style; though, as fall has come to other states, I find myself exceedingly jealous. I LOVE fall colors. I LOVE fall weather. Being able to cozy up with sweaters and blankets is a favorite pastime. Right now, I still occasionally sleep with a fan pointed directly at me.

I wish I had time to blog about all my going ons. I've had some fun experiences. Alas, time (and my memory) is short. Never fear, I shall regale you with my tale of my first REAL camping trip.

I went to girls camp for six years. I was a leader for three years. We had toilets and wooden floors. I've never been camping where there were no facilities.

11.11.11.

A date that will forever be cemented in my mind. It wasn't because of the "aw neat" factor of the numerical date. We were originally set to go to a campsite for the night. Turned out to be $25 and only 8 people per campsite. With our numbers, that was out of the question.

We drove on. Into the desert. No bathrooms. No port-a-potties. No anything. I won't lie, I was scared. Not because we were in the desert, a perfectly adequate location for a B horror movie. No, it was because I was well hydrated.

I knew I wasn't going to last. A tree/bush was going to be a necessity. A dear friend, who was also not exactly psyched about the facility situation, ventured farther into the desert with me.

It took about 10 minutes to figure it out. I didn't drink anything else until we got home.

All in all, it wasn't that bad. I would go real camping again. I just need to perfect the "art."

Uphill

I've been a runner since I was 11 years old; from 11 to 18, my life basically revolved around running. I was involved in other things, but the biggest chunk of my life went to cross country and track.

I feel like most people can find gospel principles in their chosen hobbies. Certain scriptures always stood out to me: "... they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31) and "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith" (2 Timothy 4:7). I always thought of life as one long cross country season; we're forever training and strengthening ourselves to endure the ultimate race.

I'll admit, I rarely thought about it in great depth. During an actual race, I was often thinking about picking off the next person in front of me—probably not the most Christ-like thoughts.

After a disappointing end to my high school cross country career, I decided not to pursue a college running career. But I couldn't stay away for long. I coached and ran on intramural teams at BYU–Idaho, and I started participating in a few 5K races.

One particular race stands out from the rest. I didn't finish first, my time wasn't anything to shout about—from a runner's perspective, it's a race most would just forget.

On a chilly March evening, I was joined in the Midnight 5K by a respectable portion of BYU–Idaho students, including my roommate and best friend Brooke, her fiancé, Andrew, and another roommate, Kaylene.

Kaylene hadn't really run before. Brooke, being the thoughtful person that she is, decided that she would start the run with Kaylene. I, being the slightly competitive person that I am, decided to start my run with Andrew.

The race was basically the circumference of the BYU–Idaho campus. A good portion of the first mile was spent going uphill. The uphill is the only part of the race that I remember with clarity.

Uphill has always been my least favorite part of a race. I was starting to slow as we continued in the incline. Andrew gently chided me, telling me to pick it up. (At the time, I probably fought back the urge to respond with a sarcastic response.) I shook my head, refocused on the task at hand and looked forward.

It was dark, and I was surrounded by people. Everyone was huffing and puffing—it's a good thing there weren't three little pigs around, or they might have thought we'd come to blow their houses down. Joking aside, I realized that I wasn't the only one having a hard time. Even Andrew, who had just encouraged me, was feeling the physical strain.

As we continued upward, a small light started to appear. As we forged on, the light grew. Soon, our view was completely taken up by the temple.

It hit me then: this was life.

Running uphill was like the trials we each face; some take the hill with a little more ease, most have to mentally steel themselves to push forward, others have to stop and walk and a few may give the hill one glance and turn around.

As we ran uphill in this throng of people, I didn't hear a discouraging word. In fact, I heard heartening phrases being tossed about: "good job," "keep going," "you can do it."

In high school, you always wanted your team to run well. But to be honest, during the race, you were focused on yourself. If you passed a teammate, a "good job" might escape as you breathed out. That race was about crossing the finish line first.

The Midnight 5K was still competitive, but the spirit of the race was different. Even though everyone was on the same course, experiencing similar difficulties, they were helping each other. They wanted their friends to complete the race with them; no one wanted others to be left behind.

As we moved onward, the illuminated Rexburg temple filled our view. All around, people were making comments on the beauty. It truly was a sight to behold, going from darkness to a majestic white light.

As I looked toward the temple, it became easier to push forward. I thought, "If I can make it to the temple, I can finish the race."

Isn't that true of life? If we can faithfully live by those covenants we make in the temple, we can return to our Heavenly Father. We can finish our course.

"The temple itself becomes a symbol. If you have seen one of the temples at night, fully lighted, you know what an impressive sight that can be. The house of the Lord, bathed in light, standing out in the darkness, becomes symbolic of the power of the inspiration of the gospel of Jesus Christ standing as a beacon in a world that sinks ever further into spiritual darkness" (Boyd K. Packer, The Holy Temple).

As we go through life, we will most definitely have trials. We will have to push through the darkness, moving forward to the light of the Savior.

Unlike a typical race, the course of life is not meant to be finished alone. We are meant to bring others with us. As we trudge up the hill, we need to look to our journey companions; are they huffing and puffing, straining to see the light?

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you" (John, 15:12).

Let us keep that commandment, and help one another up the hill.

Soothing my soul

I know I keep promising a real post, and IT WILL happen this weekend. No time for it now. However, while a video is rendering, I thought I would share a little of the music that is consuming/soothing my soul. I can't get enough of it lately. It just calms me and makes me want to run all at the same time (versatile, I know). A few of their songs may sneak into my workout playlist soon (p.s. my playlist has been dying for an overhaul as of late).

Anyways, enjoy this song. P.S. I love the rock of "Little Lion Man," but look up a clean version if you want to hear it. I have yet to find a clean download. If you know how to find a clean download, let me know.

Something to whet your appetite

I promised so many different pictures, and I have yet to deliver. I'm sorry. Truly. But I've been busy, and little Nikey D (aka. my Nikon camera) has just been waiting for me to busy him out and take thousands of pictures. (Also, when I say I've been busy I mean I've also been very lazy.)

Right now I'm waiting for a video to export. It's taking absolutely ages. In fact, I already exported it once. It came out slightly stretched. I don't put out sub par material. So, back to exporting for that video. I also wrote a blog about dropping home value. Yeah, things aren't looking up there. Well, unless you want to buy and not sell for a long while.

Anyways ... here are a couple of pictures that I took a couple of months ago. Tempe, especially Mill Ave, on a Friday night is interesting. I think I want to go again to take some pics.

P.S. These photos aren't edited. Sorry. It's that lazy kickin in again (that, and I don't have any of the programs at my disposal at this very minute). Take them in all their raw glory.

Don't give up on me yet

I'm really bad about updating my blog (obviously). Sometimes I'll be on a great jag, updating it all the time.

Yeah. I haven't been on one of those jags since I moved to Arizona. It's probably because of 1) no internet at home and 2) so many other things to do.

I feel like I usually have something going on every night:

Mondays are ward Family Home Evenings.

Tuesdays were basketball practice.

Wednesdays are/were ultimate/soccer.

Thursdays are occasionally open; sometimes they're full with various ward activities or institute. (I also try to go to the temple once a week, and Thursdays is a common day for me to go.)

Fridays are … well, I live in a college town. There is usually something to do, but I really love relaxing and watching a movie. If there's something good going on, I'll go because I feel ungrateful NOT going. Weird, I know.

Saturdays were/are basketball days and cleaning. (P.S. I LOVE cleaning days … and I'm not being sarcastic. It feels so good, especially when I naturally wake up early.)

Sundays, well that's the Sabbath. It's all about church and occasionally (more often than not) going to the Graves' for dinner. (P.S. I LOVE spending time with them. It makes me not miss my family so much. Don't misinterpret that, I still miss my family A LOT.)

I'm sure you wanted to know all that I do, every day, every week. I promise, I'm not super boring. Surprises will be thrown in there every now and then. I love that the weather is not super restricting here. No, I can't go play in the snow; however, rarely is there a day that I could go out and run, play sports, hike, swim, etc. It's great. (And yes, I do need to go out and take pictures. I'm hoping to do that soon.)

Here are a few things you can look forward to:

1. Pictures of my basketball team

2. Pictures of my NEW apartment

3. Pictures of the surrounding landscape

4. Pictures of my garden, which will be awhile because I don't have the seeds yet.

5. Pictures of the temple (I LOVE the Mesa temple)

6. And so much more, I'm sure.

Don't give up on me yet. I'm really trying to be a better blogger. Oh, here's an idea: tell me what you want me to blog about. Eh, eh? Anything. The sky's the limit.

Loves

Enlightening.

Future Brian: "Man, I wish I hadn't been going so fast around that turn."

Present Brian then attempted to call Future Brian. FB was in the middle of changing the voicemail message. FB was forced to end the call so as to prevent PB from hearing the misleading voicemail message of Jessica Gower.

Present Brian: "Don't hang up on present Brian."

FB: "I know you're upset with me for hanging up on you. It'll take about five to seven minutes to get over it. But seriously, think of what would happen to the space time continuum if we talked. I can't even begin to explain the ramifications. I'm already breaking all sorts of rules with texting.

PB: "Future Brian, you know me all too well. Future Brian, does Clint get better?"

PB: "Future Brian, when do I leap next?"

FB: "Answer to you first question: I'd like you to picture an old Jewish man saying this: 'ehhhh, he doesn't get worse.' For you second question, when you have set right the things which once went wrong."

FB: "And you'll probably want to update your twitter. Future Brian IS cool."

PB: "Okay Taylor Biddle."

FB: "No, you're wrong."

FB: "I know it's hard to wrap your head around this one, but I am Future Brian. I'm only here to help. And make jokes because I know you'll get them."

PB: "You are quite convincing."

PB: "How far in the future are you?"

FB: "Far enough."

PB: " I might hate Future Brian."

FB: "Doubtful. You're not about self-loathing. Sucka."

FB: "P.S. You're going to want Caleb to go to sleep soon. If not, you're going to have one cranky Caleb on your hands. Seriously, you know you don't want that.

PB: "Tell Future Caleb to text him that himself."

FB: "Do you really think Future Caleb would think of others, especially "present" others? I'm just trying to help you have a nice trip by warning you."

PB: "It's true but you know I [hate?] the being in the middle."

FB: "I know, I know. But it is sometimes a burden you are called to bear."

PB: "Hey, douche bag. Who should I date?"

FB: "First, you know I don't care to be referred to in such vulgar terms. I'm a class act. And I can't exactly tell you that. You've already met her, briefly a time or two.

PB: "Goo. You've cut me to the core. You're right. I'm sorry. Well tell me about her at least then."

FB: "Man, I don't want to tell you too much. It'll kind of ruin it. OK, basics ... 5'7 with brownish-reddish hair."

PB: "A ginger? Really? Hmmm. This sounds suspicious. You know I'm partial to blondes."

FB: "Seriously, what have blondes done for you lately?"

PB: "Nothing lately. You know that. Okay in general they've proven a poor choice but it's a fatal attraction. So tell me more about Future Brian's GF."

PB: "The ginger ...."

FB: "OK, as much as I love being a fortune teller, I need to get some sleep. I've got to take the kids to school tomorrow morning ... Oh, I've said too much."

PB: "Oh dear. Good night, Future Brian."

Day Two.

FB: "You should probably pay a little more attention to the road and less on toys if you want to actually make it there."

PB: "Well you know what? God created the iPad for a reason."

FB: "God also created your face for a reason, to stay beautiful. Oh, and about the girl, ginger is too strong of a word. Be careful; if you keep referring to her in such scathing tones you are really going to mess things up for me."

PB: "So I love her? That's all that matters then. And I'm safe in the back seat now. How are the kiddos today?"

FB: "Ummm ... well, without giving too much away, the little one kept me up all night after I finished with you. But everything is good this morning."

PB: "Well that's to be expected with little ones. Thanks for sharing though. Hope I'm [not] getting you in too much trouble. How's work?"

FB: "I'm editing some portraits right now. Oh, and I hope you enjoy the state you're in; you'll be living there soon enough."

PB: "Lol. You're quite the comedian. Glad that never changes."

FB: "Keep it up buddy. That's how you get the girl."

PB: "I knew it'd be my rapist whit. My looks are fading. Had to be the humor. What's her name?"

FB: "Nice try, Brian. And be careful quoting Lloyd. It might get you into trouble. Make sure if you are ever using that phrase when talking to an officer you say "rapier wit." No need to get yourself falsely implicated."

PB: "Okay okay. Fair enough. So any notable I should be aware of in the near future. Anything you'd want me to not miss?"

FB: "Be on the look out for your future employer."

PB: "Is this your doing Jon?"

FB: "No. I wish you could just accept that I'm Future Brian."

PB: "Spock and future Spock got to meet. I don't see why you can't reveal yourself as well."

FB: "This is a delicate situation. And we are not Spock. Our emotions and minds are much more sensitive. I can only interfere so much. Did you listen to nothing Dr. Emmett Brown said?"

PB: "Yes. I know but in the end Doc Brown read the letter!!!! Your move."

FB: "OK, McFly. You want to go through all that trouble to try and fix things? Ramifications. Think about "Frequency." People could die.

PB: "Which ones?"

Here I would like to introduce Brian's Conscience: "Don't even consider putting others' lives in danger ... you know better than that."

PB to BC: "I just asked which ones for clarification purposes."

FB: "Curiosity killed the cat. In this case, you could be the cat. The cat could also be your roadtrip buddies."

PB: "They'd go to heaven so it's a marginal loss."

BC: "Don't forget that your eternal salvation would be a stake ... CTR."

FB: "Word of advice: listen to your conscience. It'll get you a lot further in life. "

PB: In response to BC, "I know, I know."

PB: In response to FB: "Heeded."

FB: "Good choice. I know that your conscience is proud of you."

PB: "Ha ha. You two have expressed that equally. I really wanna know who this is ..."

FB: "I've told you time and time again. I could just tell you my name is Calvin Klein or Clint Eastwood. Does that help?

PB: ...

FB: "Really, Brian? 'Back to the Future, Parts I and III.' Good to know the memory has been going for awhile now."

PB: ....

FB: "Yikes. Marty goes by both names when he is in the past. You know this, come on."

PB: "I just want to know who you really are."

FB: "Speaking as Future Brian, you should probably get used to a few disappointments in life. This isn't one of them; I am Future Brian. I'm just saying be prepared."

FB: "Clint and Caleb are going to try and pull a stunt tomorrow. Unless you want to take a trip to the ER, watch them closely."

PB: "I'll be on them like white on rice."

FB: "I knew you would, buddy. You're an A+ friend always."

PB: "So what do I do about the current situation?"

FB: "Yeah, you're on your own."

PB: "Useless."

FB: "Whoa. Uncalled for. I have my own problems right now."

PB: "Maybe I can help me then. Spill it."

FB: "Oh, I don't want to burden you. You've got enough on your plate. It's just same ol' problems, robot maids malfunctioning, hover car acting up ... Oh wait ... Dang it. Forget you read that."

PB: "Tale as old as time. Hopefully they follow the 3 laws. Robot maids still make me nervous."

FB: "I know, right? Ah well, it will all look better in the morning light. Get some sleep. You're going to need it."

PB: "Agreed. Night FB."

Day three:

FB: "You probably don't want to do that rail. Stick with the boxes."

PB: "You know me well."

FB: "All too well."

FB: "Do not eat sushi today. It would be a big mistake."

PB: "Taylor Biddle. It's totally you!!!!!"

FB: "I can promise you that I am not Taylor."

PB: "How do you know about sushi and rails and everything then?!"

FB: "Hello, Future Brian here."

PB: "Ease the sass."

FB: "Sorry, sorry. You know me, a little frustrated when people don't believe me. I mean, this is understandable. It's pretty amazing."

PB: "I do understand. And it is amazing."

FB: "I figured you could go for a little amazingness right now. P.S. A cute girl will try to chat you up later. Don't. You will get chlamydia and die."

PB: "Noted. Avoiding all convos with girls the rest of the day."

FB: "Fun fact about the future: you guys have the clap-on-clap-off lights. We have lights that turn on when you say "lumos." Want a brighter light? Lumos maxima. Yes the future is that cool."

PB: "omfg!!!! Amazing!!! This makes me more excited for the future."

FB: "Seriously. It gets pretty awesome. And you better believe that "nox" turns out the light."

FB: "You might regret not getting a Shamrock Shake today."

PB: "Lol. You might be mad but I might still get sushi tonight."

FB: "Ugh. Have fun with that tomorrow. P.S. Clint is going to claim he found his soulmate. He is wrong. She's actually a he."

PB: "That made us all laugh. Go you."

FB: "It's always funnier when it's the truth."

FB: "Word of caution to you, Clint and Caleb: watch out for each other. No need for more injuries."

PB: "Clint says thanks jerk. Lol. You're good."

FB: "I thought about warning ahead of time for some things. Then I thought it might be a pinch funnier this way. I mean, it's not like anything serious happened. But still, keep your eye on those two. Accident prone is an understatement."

PB: "It's so very very true."

FB: "Well, Future Caleb still has his left leg. So far so good."

PB: "He will miss it someday."

The next week.

PB: Someone just handed me this very song ...

FB: Are you speaking of the Rebecca Black song.

PB: Yes.

FB: I'm sorry. I tried to warn you.

PB: You did. And yes I died a little.

FB: I guess I understand the curiosity; I just wanted to save us some pain.

PB: You knew me and knew I would still partake. So bad.

FB: Yeeeah. Go listen to The Album Leaf to cleanse your mind.

PB: Good call. I'm on it.

FB: Although she's a brunette now, she was once a blonde. Proceed with caution. Besides that little follicle fact, good choice.

PB: Yeah. I'm quite fond of her as you already know but also guarded and completely surprised at where this has gone.

FB: I feel like you're finally ready to spread your wings and fly. Solo. Communications for this situation will no longer be necessary.

PB: It was nice to have you near.

PB: I hope this isn't goodbye forever.

FB: Goodness me, no. Only regarding your girl situation. I can't be spoiling the future fun of your dating.

PB: Yes. I understand. I'm ready to fly as well. I'm a peacock. Gotta let me fly.

FB: I believe you can fly. I believe you can touch the sky.

PB: Lmao!!! It's moments like that I know it's really me.

FB then proceeded to send a sound clip of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" to PB.

PB: Well played good sir.

There have been a few sporadic exchanges between Present Brian and Future Brian. Unfortunately, not all documents were able to be preserved. However, we will post those that we are able to unearth.

FB: Although you'll never be friends, one day he will come to like you.

PB: I'm okay with that it's the she I hope walks in front of a bus. Mean Girls style.

FB: But if you remember, even at the end of "Mean Girls," Cady and Regina were able to put the past behind them. In the words of Third Eye Blind, "Let's put the past away."

PB: Yep. But only after that bus humbled her ...

FB: Touché, past Brian.

PB: I feel better.

FB: Good. Try not to worry about things that don't matter. Just be awesome. I, obviously, know you are.

PB: Isn't it WE are?

FB: Yes. Don't worry; you stay cool. It was just easier to speak to you as though we were separate beings.

PB: Got it. I didn't know how to refer to you/us.

FB: I figure we'll just go with whatever makes the most sense at the time.

The Finale:

FB (aka. me) went over to PB's house to get some chairs. As PB was throwing something away, Clint decided it was time to reveal FB.

FB: Thank you for the chairs.

PB then proceeded to read the text, turn around and verbally abuse Clint and me. A text was later exchanged.

PB: I'll never forgive you for doing this to me and then for destroying the romance and revealing the secret.

Thus ends the saga of Brian chatting with his future self. I feel as though this was an enlightening experience.

Because I have other things to fill my time ...

I didn't get accepted into the BYU MPA program. To be honest, I wasn't totally expecting to get in. After submitting my application, I didn't have a "my future" feeling.

It's OK.

I have a job in AZ. I like AZ. It's the right place right now.

Horchata and Court

I'm waiting for a video I'm working on to render.
Sometimes it takes about 15 or so minutes.
Suddenly, I had the urge to listen to this song:




And, for some reason, it makes me think of this girl:




Then I miss her. A lot. Even though I would have preferred to have been employed last fall, I'm kind of glad I wasn't. I got to hang out with her more.

P.S. I really love my job. It makes me think more creatively. Unfortunately, I'm tired after work and, therefore, just want to be lazy and not do anything ... including blog. I promise, I'm trying to be better.

My hair suffers when ...

When I get bored, my hair suffers. Once, in a three-month period, I dyed my hair (first time ever), got bangs and cut off 10 inches.

I didn't hate my hair; it was definitely fun. Weird having way short hair, but still fun.

I don't necessarily want to dye or chop off all my hair right now, but I need to do something. I'm thinking of getting bangs again.

For those of you who know me, bangs and I have a love/hate relationship. Honestly, it would probably be better for my mental health if I let go of the bang fascination. Unfortunately, I just can't.

Right now, I feel like my hair is just hanging here. It needs some style going on. I don't want to cut of length, just give it some life.

Please, please, please give me your opinions—share pictures of the style you think I should sport. At least a few serious ones, folks.

Half of my heart

I've loved John for a long time. His new cd came out, and I didn't listen to it immediately. I'm not exactly sure why, I just didn't. But I've started listening to it now, and I love this song. As of late, I feel like I can kind of identify with this song. And it's catchy. And I love John's voice.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

It's been a quite a while since I last blogged. For that, I'm sorry. (Really, the main person I'm saying sorry to is Courtney Anderson—she called me out on my want of posts.)

A few things have changed in my life.

1. I no longer live in Indiana.

2. I no longer live in Idaho.

3. I'm no longer unemployed.

I'm a marketing intern for Waterstone Mortgage in Arizona. I pretty much love my job. I mainly edit videos and marketing materials, but I occasionally update our social media outlets and design things. (There's another marketing intern that primarily deals with those facets of the job.)

I'm living with my nearly life-long friend, Felice. I hadn't seen her for three or so years, and then all of the sudden I was moving to her neck of the woods. She was oh-so-gracious enough to give me a place to live. Can I just say, it was so great to move in with somebody I already knew. It's scary enough starting a new job but moving to a completely new place, knowing nobody? That would have been terrifying. The Graves family is certainly a blessing. Brother and Sister Graves always invite me over for Sunday dinner (and it's always delicious), and Sister Graves made sure that I knew I could come over any time. Blessing, let me tell ya.

Condensed version of this post: I'm really liking Arizona.

Know that you are loved

Christ: The Real Gift of Christmas

This year has been trying. However, it has given me an even greater assurance that my Heavenly Father is aware of me, that He loves me. It has increased my knowledge that my Savior Jesus Christ loves me.

Christ chose to follow His Father's will. He is the ultimate example, the light that we can follow.

"I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth in me should not abide in darkness." (John 12:46)

He suffered for our sins, became a literal savior. Christ died on the cross and was resurrected. He lives. He loves us. He beckons for us to repent and follow Him. He does not turn His back to us but is always waiting with open arms. Whatever our burdens may be He calls to us:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

We have the love and care of our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. We have not been left to navigate alone. The guidance is there if we will ask and listen.

Lord, save me

Being happy doesn't always come easy for me. I've often wondered why I struggle so; I'm quite blessed.

It seems like I'll be on a good jag, and then it comes crumbling down. I understand that the adversary is constantly working to bring us down; happiness levels are bound to dip every now and then. What I want to avoid is the "crumbling down" part.

I feel like crumbling down shouldn't be happening, not when I have so much. I have been taken in by my grandparents and my aunt and uncle. I've had the opportunity to volunteer for a political campaign (thank you, Uncle Bert). I've been able to spend time with friends and family. I've made new friends. I haven't been sick, which is a great blessing because I haven't had healthcare. My car has been doing wonderfully. And now I'm applying for graduate school.

These are just a few of the blessings I have been given.

Yes, I've had a hard fall. I moved back West to look for work. I was getting interviews, and things were looking good. Unfortunately, those interviews didn't pan out, and I've been out of work since August. I keep applying, but I'm rarely getting interviews anymore.

"But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me."

"And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31, emphasis added)

I have been like Peter. I had faith when I came out here, but when things got rough I doubted. But now I am saying, "Lord, save me," and I know that He will stretch forth his hand.

Things probably won't miraculously change. I'll still be applying for jobs. But my attitude will change.

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come." (D&C 68:6)

I choose to be happy.

To prevent "crumbling," I'm going to focus on these three things:

1) read scriptures

2) pray

3) remember blessings

How do you prevent "crumbling"?

Last night I was up and doing dishes at midnight

I'm a semi-insomniac. It usually takes me forever to fall asleep, and I usually wake up multiple times during the night. Aren't I supposed to be getting in all the sleep I can before I have kids? (Which, for obvious reasons, will still be years away :)

OK, here are some thoughts on what might be keeping me awake.

• I'm not exercising. At all. Since age 11, I have been an avid runner. I ran all through middle school, high school and a couple years of college. I also participated in volleyball, softball, soccer, ultimate, yoga, etc. Perhaps my body is just revolting against my sluggishness. I've got something to tell my body: it's winter! This is not the time to play sports. Maybe I'll get some yoga and ab workouts going. Maybe.

• I have no job. Some might think this would mean I was sleeping more. That might be true for some people. However, I'm the kind of person whose mind does not shut down. Being unemployed gives a person a lot to think about, like how am I going to live? Yes, not being able to sleep because of my employment status might classify me as a bit of a worry wart. Whatever, that little attribute is not going to change.

• I didn't study for the GRE yesterday. This goes with my being a worry wart. Also, I didn't exert any of my mental energy. I had a buildup of physical and mental energy yesterday.

So, what did I learn from blogging today?

Exercise.

Find a job.

Study for the GRE.

What's keeping you up at night?

Day 30: a photo of you when you were happy

It's the final day of the photo challenge. I have loved sharing all of these pictures and memories. This final photo post is a little difficult. I have many pictures of when I'm happy—people don't tend to take pictures of when they are depressed.

I'm relatively happy right now, but not my happiest. I don't have a job, and I'm not in school. However, I know that I have been, and continue to be, blessed. I have many family members who help me so much. But I'm not overwhelmingly happy right now.

EFY has kind of been done in my photo challenge posts. Don't get me wrong, I am indescribably happy when I'm efy-ing it up. Still, I've had a lot of posts to do with efy. It's time for something else.

I'd like to take you back to the final months of my senior year in college.

I never really had a boyfriend during my college years. In the middle of my last semester, I met Kyle. I have never had so much in common with one person. Almost immediately we became best friends. We played on some Ultimate and soccer teams together with our ward. We watched movies, carved pumpkins, threw pumpkins, went on walks, etc.

Unfortunately, the semester was quickly coming to a close, and that meant we both were graduating. Even with the distance that came after graduation, we attempted to stay together. But after a few ups and downs, we ended it in July.

I know what you're thinking; this doesn't sound happy at all. But look at that picture! Obviously, I was happy. It was a lot of fun, and it definitely was a good experience. Did I think it would end? No, but that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

Something that makes me really happy is all that I've taken from that relationship. I learned so much about myself and who I am. I know that I am a better person because of that relationship.

Day 29: a photo of someone you find attractive

James Franco.

Enough said.