in omnia paratus.

There are no small actors, only small parts.

2012-01-19T16:38:00.010-07:00

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Sixth grade brought uncertainty about friends. I didn't know where I would be in the social pecking order. Soon enough, things blew over and friendships were made/patched. I didn't return to the queen bee's side, but I was a "friend." A friend in high school described my social status metamorphosis quite aptly: "You kind of fell off the social ladder in high school."

I became a congenial acquaintance to most everyone in high school; however, the only people I still talk to from high school are those who were on my cross country team.

Anxiety didn't necessarily disappear, but it seemed to take a backseat during most of middle school and high school. Nervous situations naturally arose: school plays, sports competitions, dating. But I have no defining memories of anxiety making my decisions at that time.

I do recall having a few anxiety-driven experiences during my senior year.

Cross country:

The night before the race I ate at 6 p.m. then went to bed about an hour later. In the morning, I ate half of a granola bar and a few sips of water. No, this wasn't my normal pre-race routine. This was my last chance at going to state for cross country.

The state championship had been a goal of mine for nearly seven years. My senior season hadn't been ideal; midseason, I disconnected the muscles and tendons from my metatarsals in my right foot. After spending 3-4 weeks training on a stationery bike and in the pool, I was cleared to run in the conference championship race. I came in 13th place; the top 12 were all-conference. I went on to place second in sectionals and third in regionals. The local newspaper had predicted that I would be in the top 20 (the top 15 went to state) for semi-state.

I went slow at the beginning, not wanting to burn myself out. Instead, I put myself into a slow pace. Combine an irregular race pace with irregular pre-race activities/nourishment, you get a 32nd place finish. While I didn't make it individually, I held on to the hope that we would qualify as a team. Tears were flowing when I found out that we missed going by four points. If I had raced as expected, we would have qualified. That might have hurt the most.

Dating:

Towards the middle of my senior year, I finally had an official boyfriend. After a few minor coming-of-age hiccups, I was comfortable. Except for when I tried to go out to eat. I could eat a little but not much. Suddenly I had become the girl who ate like a bird even though I was ravenous. No matter how much I wanted to eat, I just couldn't eat more. Don't worry, we didn't go out a lot and broke up after a month or so; I didn't starve.

(Apparently I looked really skinny here. Frankly, I feel like I look the same as always. And yes, that is the first boyfriend. Insert "Awww" here.)

As I said, anxiety didn't get a leading role in my life during high school. Instead, she took minor rolls. However, she took the saying, "there are no small actors, only small parts" to heart. Anxiety perpetually tried out for roll after roll. She got good. She got lead rolls.

Might be a quarter-life crisis

2012-01-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

Toward the end of 2011, I found myself reflecting on years and experiences past. Perhaps it's because 2012 marks a quarter of a century that I've been alive. I think John Mayer's lyrics reflect my feelings: "It might be a quarter-life crisis or just the stirring in my soul."

Years and experiences past have a way of catching up to you. After reading a friend's blog, I decided writing may be the best therapy. She mentioned something in passing that finally made me realize that I'm not alone in my feelings.

I struggle with anxiety.

Perhaps there were minor signs of my struggles in my early childhood, however, they didn't present any real problems. The first anxiety experience that interfered with my normal day-to-day life happened the summer going into sixth grade.

Time to rewind a bit. Fifth grade had not been a proud year. Have you ever seen "Mean Girls"? Pretty similar. I'm not normally a mean person, but if you were going to be in the "in" crowd, you needed to act like it. By the end of the year, I realized that I didn't like who I'd become. I wasn't acting like myself at all. I needed to break ties with my friends.

Breaking away from the queen bee was no picnic. Who wants to be a social pariah? No kid wants to start middle school without a guarantee of a best friend or even a group of friends.

I missed my first day of summer school band because I could not bear to enter the building. I wasn't surrounded by strangers; a lot of these people were kids I had known since kindergarten. I could tell my mom was frustrated with my inexplicable refusal to enter the building. I begged her not to make me go.

The next day was no better. For breakfast, I choked down a piece of toast. The toast stayed in my stomach for about 10 minutes. I couldn't eat. I constantly felt nauseous.

Despite my pleadings, my mom felt it was best that I face my fears. I faced my fears in tears. A hug and a kiss from my mom, and I was thrust into the classroom. As I said before, I knew people in the class. I'll always remember Angie Fieldhouse's kindness. I hadn't been particularly nice to Angie in fifth grade. Despite that, she took me in her arms and told me it would be OK.

That summer was a constant struggle. Eating became a chore. Going to summer band became easier, but other areas of my life took on new difficulties.

Playing softball became harder as I ate less. Not eating tends to make one feel ill. I remember sitting on the bench during a game. My mom (my coach) was trying to cajole me out on the field. She asked me to pitch, and I said I just wanted to go home. That's when she knew there was something wrong. We went home and worked on hydration and eating. Summer tournaments were especially difficult; we were out in the heat all day, and my main source of nourishment came from sucking the juice out of oranges and Goldfish crackers.

We talked to the doctor, and he found nothing wrong. He felt it was simply nerves, what with starting middle school and all.

Life started to get a little easier, and I was able to eat more.

Unfortunately, that summer was merely an introduction to the world of anxiety.

A little less than the holiday spirit ...

2011-12-21T11:29:00.003-07:00

Here's something I'm getting tired of hearing:

"Not trying to be mean, but she (she=me) sucked at designing."

Thanks for the confidence booster.

Lessons learned

2011-11-29T18:49:00.003-07:00

I'm sure it's taken time to calm down after my thrilling telling of my first real camping adventure. But hold on to your socks; it's time to hear about my first time caving.

OK, truth: I have been caving before. Kind of.

In Rexburg, we have ice caves. (What other kind of caves would we have up there in the good ol' Burg?) I went in them once. It was pretty much a straight shot to the end of the cave; located at the end was an ice slide. It was great, but it was nothing compared to this experience.

Honestly, I would have considered it a good day after the drive up there. Two-hour trip talking with three of my favorite girls? Yes, please.

We arrived at the caves, put on our head lamps and prepared to dive into the unknown.

First lesson learned almost immediately: headlamps were definitely necessary. I'm almost positive that I would have died in there had I not been properly outfitted. (Also, knee pads would have been a nice addition ... maybe some elbow pads, too.)

Second lesson: any further into the mud and I would have ended up barefoot. I barely went into the mud, and it took a surprising amount of strength to life my foot (and shoe) up.

Third lesson: I must stay thin. Those cracks, crevices and holes are SMALL.

Fourth lesson: stay out of any place with "hell" in the title. It wasn't really worth the terrifying moments of claustrophobia.

Fifth lesson: Hansel and Gretel knew what they were doing with those bread crumbs. I never thought I would be relying on intoxicated people to lead me out of a cave. (On the bright side, they did get us out.)

Sixth lesson: a white shirt was definitely the way to go. How else are you supposed to see how dirty you got?

Seventh lesson: a slide with rocks at the bottom is not worth the bruise. Trust me.

Eighth lesson: even though I have chicken-like arms, those babies can lift and pull me with the best of them. I definitely had some "I am woman, hear me roar" moments.

Al in all, it was a delightful trip. I learned valuable lessons but had fun in the process; that is the best way to learn.

Goal for next trip: come out of it less bruised.

Real Camping

2011-11-16T19:24:00.004-07:00

I am shamed. It's been a LONG time since I've blogged. Life has actually been pretty full. Better descriptive word: busy. Busy with church callings, busy with work, busy with life.

I'm still rocking it AZ style; though, as fall has come to other states, I find myself exceedingly jealous. I LOVE fall colors. I LOVE fall weather. Being able to cozy up with sweaters and blankets is a favorite pastime. Right now, I still occasionally sleep with a fan pointed directly at me.

I wish I had time to blog about all my going ons. I've had some fun experiences. Alas, time (and my memory) is short. Never fear, I shall regale you with my tale of my first REAL camping trip.

I went to girls camp for six years. I was a leader for three years. We had toilets and wooden floors. I've never been camping where there were no facilities.

11.11.11.

A date that will forever be cemented in my mind. It wasn't because of the "aw neat" factor of the numerical date. We were originally set to go to a campsite for the night. Turned out to be $25 and only 8 people per campsite. With our numbers, that was out of the question.

We drove on. Into the desert. No bathrooms. No port-a-potties. No anything. I won't lie, I was scared. Not because we were in the desert, a perfectly adequate location for a B horror movie. No, it was because I was well hydrated.

I knew I wasn't going to last. A tree/bush was going to be a necessity. A dear friend, who was also not exactly psyched about the facility situation, ventured farther into the desert with me.

It took about 10 minutes to figure it out. I didn't drink anything else until we got home.

All in all, it wasn't that bad. I would go real camping again. I just need to perfect the "art."

Uphill

2011-07-09T17:01:00.001-06:00

I've been a runner since I was 11 years old; from 11 to 18, my life basically revolved around running. I was involved in other things, but the biggest chunk of my life went to cross country and track.

I feel like most people can find gospel principles in their chosen hobbies. Certain scriptures always stood out to me: "... they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31) and "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith" (2 Timothy 4:7). I always thought of life as one long cross country season; we're forever training and strengthening ourselves to endure the ultimate race.

I'll admit, I rarely thought about it in great depth. During an actual race, I was often thinking about picking off the next person in front of me—probably not the most Christ-like thoughts.

After a disappointing end to my high school cross country career, I decided not to pursue a college running career. But I couldn't stay away for long. I coached and ran on intramural teams at BYU–Idaho, and I started participating in a few 5K races.

One particular race stands out from the rest. I didn't finish first, my time wasn't anything to shout about—from a runner's perspective, it's a race most would just forget.

On a chilly March evening, I was joined in the Midnight 5K by a respectable portion of BYU–Idaho students, including my roommate and best friend Brooke, her fiancé, Andrew, and another roommate, Kaylene.

Kaylene hadn't really run before. Brooke, being the thoughtful person that she is, decided that she would start the run with Kaylene. I, being the slightly competitive person that I am, decided to start my run with Andrew.

The race was basically the circumference of the BYU–Idaho campus. A good portion of the first mile was spent going uphill. The uphill is the only part of the race that I remember with clarity.

Uphill has always been my least favorite part of a race. I was starting to slow as we continued in the incline. Andrew gently chided me, telling me to pick it up. (At the time, I probably fought back the urge to respond with a sarcastic response.) I shook my head, refocused on the task at hand and looked forward.

It was dark, and I was surrounded by people. Everyone was huffing and puffing—it's a good thing there weren't three little pigs around, or they might have thought we'd come to blow their houses down. Joking aside, I realized that I wasn't the only one having a hard time. Even Andrew, who had just encouraged me, was feeling the physical strain.

As we continued upward, a small light started to appear. As we forged on, the light grew. Soon, our view was completely taken up by the temple.

It hit me then: this was life.

Running uphill was like the trials we each face; some take the hill with a little more ease, most have to mentally steel themselves to push forward, others have to stop and walk and a few may give the hill one glance and turn around.

As we ran uphill in this throng of people, I didn't hear a discouraging word. In fact, I heard heartening phrases being tossed about: "good job," "keep going," "you can do it."

In high school, you always wanted your team to run well. But to be honest, during the race, you were focused on yourself. If you passed a teammate, a "good job" might escape as you breathed out. That race was about crossing the finish line first.

The Midnight 5K was still competitive, but the spirit of the race was different. Even though everyone was on the same course, experiencing similar difficulties, they were helping each other. They wanted their friends to complete the race with them; no one wanted others to be left behind.

As we moved onward, the illuminated Rexburg temple filled our view. All around, people were making comments on the beauty. It truly was a sight to behold, going from darkness to a majestic white light.

As I looked toward the temple, it became easier to push forward. I thought, "If I can make it to the temple, I can finish the race."

Isn't that true of life? If we can faithfully live by those covenants we make in the temple, we can return to our Heavenly Father. We can finish our course.

"The temple itself becomes a symbol. If you have seen one of the temples at night, fully lighted, you know what an impressive sight that can be. The house of the Lord, bathed in light, standing out in the darkness, becomes symbolic of the power of the inspiration of the gospel of Jesus Christ standing as a beacon in a world that sinks ever further into spiritual darkness" (Boyd K. Packer, The Holy Temple).

As we go through life, we will most definitely have trials. We will have to push through the darkness, moving forward to the light of the Savior.

Unlike a typical race, the course of life is not meant to be finished alone. We are meant to bring others with us. As we trudge up the hill, we need to look to our journey companions; are they huffing and puffing, straining to see the light?

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you" (John, 15:12).

Let us keep that commandment, and help one another up the hill.

Soothing my soul

2011-05-20T11:04:00.003-06:00

I know I keep promising a real post, and IT WILL happen this weekend. No time for it now. However, while a video is rendering, I thought I would share a little of the music that is consuming/soothing my soul. I can't get enough of it lately. It just calms me and makes me want to run all at the same time (versatile, I know). A few of their songs may sneak into my workout playlist soon (p.s. my playlist has been dying for an overhaul as of late).

Anyways, enjoy this song. P.S. I love the rock of "Little Lion Man," but look up a clean version if you want to hear it. I have yet to find a clean download. If you know how to find a clean download, let me know.

Something to whet your appetite

2011-05-11T12:16:00.000-06:00

I promised so many different pictures, and I have yet to deliver. I'm sorry. Truly. But I've been busy, and little Nikey D (aka. my Nikon camera) has just been waiting for me to busy him out and take thousands of pictures. (Also, when I say I've been busy I mean I've also been very lazy.)

Right now I'm waiting for a video to export. It's taking absolutely ages. In fact, I already exported it once. It came out slightly stretched. I don't put out sub par material. So, back to exporting for that video. I also wrote a blog about dropping home value. Yeah, things aren't looking up there. Well, unless you want to buy and not sell for a long while.

Anyways ... here are a couple of pictures that I took a couple of months ago. Tempe, especially Mill Ave, on a Friday night is interesting. I think I want to go again to take some pics.

P.S. These photos aren't edited. Sorry. It's that lazy kickin in again (that, and I don't have any of the programs at my disposal at this very minute). Take them in all their raw glory.

Don't give up on me yet

2011-05-05T15:43:00.004-06:00

I'm really bad about updating my blog (obviously). Sometimes I'll be on a great jag, updating it all the time.

Yeah. I haven't been on one of those jags since I moved to Arizona. It's probably because of 1) no internet at home and 2) so many other things to do.

I feel like I usually have something going on every night:

Mondays are ward Family Home Evenings.

Tuesdays were basketball practice.

Wednesdays are/were ultimate/soccer.

Thursdays are occasionally open; sometimes they're full with various ward activities or institute. (I also try to go to the temple once a week, and Thursdays is a common day for me to go.)

Fridays are … well, I live in a college town. There is usually something to do, but I really love relaxing and watching a movie. If there's something good going on, I'll go because I feel ungrateful NOT going. Weird, I know.

Saturdays were/are basketball days and cleaning. (P.S. I LOVE cleaning days … and I'm not being sarcastic. It feels so good, especially when I naturally wake up early.)

Sundays, well that's the Sabbath. It's all about church and occasionally (more often than not) going to the Graves' for dinner. (P.S. I LOVE spending time with them. It makes me not miss my family so much. Don't misinterpret that, I still miss my family A LOT.)

I'm sure you wanted to know all that I do, every day, every week. I promise, I'm not super boring. Surprises will be thrown in there every now and then. I love that the weather is not super restricting here. No, I can't go play in the snow; however, rarely is there a day that I could go out and run, play sports, hike, swim, etc. It's great. (And yes, I do need to go out and take pictures. I'm hoping to do that soon.)

Here are a few things you can look forward to:

1. Pictures of my basketball team

2. Pictures of my NEW apartment

3. Pictures of the surrounding landscape

4. Pictures of my garden, which will be awhile because I don't have the seeds yet.

5. Pictures of the temple (I LOVE the Mesa temple)

6. And so much more, I'm sure.

Don't give up on me yet. I'm really trying to be a better blogger. Oh, here's an idea: tell me what you want me to blog about. Eh, eh? Anything. The sky's the limit.

Loves

Enlightening.

2011-04-08T10:33:00.000-06:00

Future Brian: "Man, I wish I hadn't been going so fast around that turn."

Present Brian then attempted to call Future Brian. FB was in the middle of changing the voicemail message. FB was forced to end the call so as to prevent PB from hearing the misleading voicemail message of Jessica Gower.

Present Brian: "Don't hang up on present Brian."

FB: "I know you're upset with me for hanging up on you. It'll take about five to seven minutes to get over it. But seriously, think of what would happen to the space time continuum if we talked. I can't even begin to explain the ramifications. I'm already breaking all sorts of rules with texting.

PB: "Future Brian, you know me all too well. Future Brian, does Clint get better?"

PB: "Future Brian, when do I leap next?"

FB: "Answer to you first question: I'd like you to picture an old Jewish man saying this: 'ehhhh, he doesn't get worse.' For you second question, when you have set right the things which once went wrong."

FB: "And you'll probably want to update your twitter. Future Brian IS cool."

PB: "Okay Taylor Biddle."

FB: "No, you're wrong."

FB: "I know it's hard to wrap your head around this one, but I am Future Brian. I'm only here to help. And make jokes because I know you'll get them."

PB: "You are quite convincing."

PB: "How far in the future are you?"

FB: "Far enough."

PB: " I might hate Future Brian."

FB: "Doubtful. You're not about self-loathing. Sucka."

FB: "P.S. You're going to want Caleb to go to sleep soon. If not, you're going to have one cranky Caleb on your hands. Seriously, you know you don't want that.

PB: "Tell Future Caleb to text him that himself."

FB: "Do you really think Future Caleb would think of others, especially "present" others? I'm just trying to help you have a nice trip by warning you."

PB: "It's true but you know I [hate?] the being in the middle."

FB: "I know, I know. But it is sometimes a burden you are called to bear."

PB: "Hey, douche bag. Who should I date?"

FB: "First, you know I don't care to be referred to in such vulgar terms. I'm a class act. And I can't exactly tell you that. You've already met her, briefly a time or two.

PB: "Goo. You've cut me to the core. You're right. I'm sorry. Well tell me about her at least then."

FB: "Man, I don't want to tell you too much. It'll kind of ruin it. OK, basics ... 5'7 with brownish-reddish hair."

PB: "A ginger? Really? Hmmm. This sounds suspicious. You know I'm partial to blondes."

FB: "Seriously, what have blondes done for you lately?"

PB: "Nothing lately. You know that. Okay in general they've proven a poor choice but it's a fatal attraction. So tell me more about Future Brian's GF."

PB: "The ginger ...."

FB: "OK, as much as I love being a fortune teller, I need to get some sleep. I've got to take the kids to school tomorrow morning ... Oh, I've said too much."

PB: "Oh dear. Good night, Future Brian."

Day Two.

FB: "You should probably pay a little more attention to the road and less on toys if you want to actually make it there."

PB: "Well you know what? God created the iPad for a reason."

FB: "God also created your face for a reason, to stay beautiful. Oh, and about the girl, ginger is too strong of a word. Be careful; if you keep referring to her in such scathing tones you are really going to mess things up for me."

PB: "So I love her? That's all that matters then. And I'm safe in the back seat now. How are the kiddos today?"

FB: "Ummm ... well, without giving too much away, the little one kept me up all night after I finished with you. But everything is good this morning."

PB: "Well that's to be expected with little ones. Thanks for sharing though. Hope I'm [not] getting you in too much trouble. How's work?"

FB: "I'm editing some portraits right now. Oh, and I hope you enjoy the state you're in; you'll be living there soon enough."

PB: "Lol. You're quite the comedian. Glad that never changes."

FB: "Keep it up buddy. That's how you get the girl."

PB: "I knew it'd be my rapist whit. My looks are fading. Had to be the humor. What's her name?"

FB: "Nice try, Brian. And be careful quoting Lloyd. It might get you into trouble. Make sure if you are ever using that phrase when talking to an officer you say "rapier wit." No need to get yourself falsely implicated."

PB: "Okay okay. Fair enough. So any notable I should be aware of in the near future. Anything you'd want me to not miss?"

FB: "Be on the look out for your future employer."

PB: "Is this your doing Jon?"

FB: "No. I wish you could just accept that I'm Future Brian."

PB: "Spock and future Spock got to meet. I don't see why you can't reveal yourself as well."

FB: "This is a delicate situation. And we are not Spock. Our emotions and minds are much more sensitive. I can only interfere so much. Did you listen to nothing Dr. Emmett Brown said?"

PB: "Yes. I know but in the end Doc Brown read the letter!!!! Your move."

FB: "OK, McFly. You want to go through all that trouble to try and fix things? Ramifications. Think about "Frequency." People could die.

PB: "Which ones?"

Here I would like to introduce Brian's Conscience: "Don't even consider putting others' lives in danger ... you know better than that."

PB to BC: "I just asked which ones for clarification purposes."

FB: "Curiosity killed the cat. In this case, you could be the cat. The cat could also be your roadtrip buddies."

PB: "They'd go to heaven so it's a marginal loss."

BC: "Don't forget that your eternal salvation would be a stake ... CTR."

FB: "Word of advice: listen to your conscience. It'll get you a lot further in life. "

PB: In response to BC, "I know, I know."

PB: In response to FB: "Heeded."

FB: "Good choice. I know that your conscience is proud of you."

PB: "Ha ha. You two have expressed that equally. I really wanna know who this is ..."

FB: "I've told you time and time again. I could just tell you my name is Calvin Klein or Clint Eastwood. Does that help?

PB: ...

FB: "Really, Brian? 'Back to the Future, Parts I and III.' Good to know the memory has been going for awhile now."

PB: ....

FB: "Yikes. Marty goes by both names when he is in the past. You know this, come on."

PB: "I just want to know who you really are."

FB: "Speaking as Future Brian, you should probably get used to a few disappointments in life. This isn't one of them; I am Future Brian. I'm just saying be prepared."

FB: "Clint and Caleb are going to try and pull a stunt tomorrow. Unless you want to take a trip to the ER, watch them closely."

PB: "I'll be on them like white on rice."

FB: "I knew you would, buddy. You're an A+ friend always."

PB: "So what do I do about the current situation?"

FB: "Yeah, you're on your own."

PB: "Useless."

FB: "Whoa. Uncalled for. I have my own problems right now."

PB: "Maybe I can help me then. Spill it."

FB: "Oh, I don't want to burden you. You've got enough on your plate. It's just same ol' problems, robot maids malfunctioning, hover car acting up ... Oh wait ... Dang it. Forget you read that."

PB: "Tale as old as time. Hopefully they follow the 3 laws. Robot maids still make me nervous."

FB: "I know, right? Ah well, it will all look better in the morning light. Get some sleep. You're going to need it."

PB: "Agreed. Night FB."

Day three:

FB: "You probably don't want to do that rail. Stick with the boxes."

PB: "You know me well."

FB: "All too well."

FB: "Do not eat sushi today. It would be a big mistake."

PB: "Taylor Biddle. It's totally you!!!!!"

FB: "I can promise you that I am not Taylor."

PB: "How do you know about sushi and rails and everything then?!"

FB: "Hello, Future Brian here."

PB: "Ease the sass."

FB: "Sorry, sorry. You know me, a little frustrated when people don't believe me. I mean, this is understandable. It's pretty amazing."

PB: "I do understand. And it is amazing."

FB: "I figured you could go for a little amazingness right now. P.S. A cute girl will try to chat you up later. Don't. You will get chlamydia and die."

PB: "Noted. Avoiding all convos with girls the rest of the day."

FB: "Fun fact about the future: you guys have the clap-on-clap-off lights. We have lights that turn on when you say "lumos." Want a brighter light? Lumos maxima. Yes the future is that cool."

PB: "omfg!!!! Amazing!!! This makes me more excited for the future."

FB: "Seriously. It gets pretty awesome. And you better believe that "nox" turns out the light."

FB: "You might regret not getting a Shamrock Shake today."

PB: "Lol. You might be mad but I might still get sushi tonight."

FB: "Ugh. Have fun with that tomorrow. P.S. Clint is going to claim he found his soulmate. He is wrong. She's actually a he."

PB: "That made us all laugh. Go you."

FB: "It's always funnier when it's the truth."

FB: "Word of caution to you, Clint and Caleb: watch out for each other. No need for more injuries."

PB: "Clint says thanks jerk. Lol. You're good."

FB: "I thought about warning ahead of time for some things. Then I thought it might be a pinch funnier this way. I mean, it's not like anything serious happened. But still, keep your eye on those two. Accident prone is an understatement."

PB: "It's so very very true."

FB: "Well, Future Caleb still has his left leg. So far so good."

PB: "He will miss it someday."

The next week.

PB: Someone just handed me this very song ...

FB: Are you speaking of the Rebecca Black song.

PB: Yes.

FB: I'm sorry. I tried to warn you.

PB: You did. And yes I died a little.

FB: I guess I understand the curiosity; I just wanted to save us some pain.

PB: You knew me and knew I would still partake. So bad.

FB: Yeeeah. Go listen to The Album Leaf to cleanse your mind.

PB: Good call. I'm on it.

FB: Although she's a brunette now, she was once a blonde. Proceed with caution. Besides that little follicle fact, good choice.

PB: Yeah. I'm quite fond of her as you already know but also guarded and completely surprised at where this has gone.

FB: I feel like you're finally ready to spread your wings and fly. Solo. Communications for this situation will no longer be necessary.

PB: It was nice to have you near.

PB: I hope this isn't goodbye forever.

FB: Goodness me, no. Only regarding your girl situation. I can't be spoiling the future fun of your dating.

PB: Yes. I understand. I'm ready to fly as well. I'm a peacock. Gotta let me fly.

FB: I believe you can fly. I believe you can touch the sky.

PB: Lmao!!! It's moments like that I know it's really me.

FB then proceeded to send a sound clip of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" to PB.

PB: Well played good sir.

There have been a few sporadic exchanges between Present Brian and Future Brian. Unfortunately, not all documents were able to be preserved. However, we will post those that we are able to unearth.

FB: Although you'll never be friends, one day he will come to like you.

PB: I'm okay with that it's the she I hope walks in front of a bus. Mean Girls style.

FB: But if you remember, even at the end of "Mean Girls," Cady and Regina were able to put the past behind them. In the words of Third Eye Blind, "Let's put the past away."

PB: Yep. But only after that bus humbled her ...

FB: Touché, past Brian.

PB: I feel better.

FB: Good. Try not to worry about things that don't matter. Just be awesome. I, obviously, know you are.

PB: Isn't it WE are?

FB: Yes. Don't worry; you stay cool. It was just easier to speak to you as though we were separate beings.

PB: Got it. I didn't know how to refer to you/us.

FB: I figure we'll just go with whatever makes the most sense at the time.

The Finale:

FB (aka. me) went over to PB's house to get some chairs. As PB was throwing something away, Clint decided it was time to reveal FB.

FB: Thank you for the chairs.

PB then proceeded to read the text, turn around and verbally abuse Clint and me. A text was later exchanged.

PB: I'll never forgive you for doing this to me and then for destroying the romance and revealing the secret.

Thus ends the saga of Brian chatting with his future self. I feel as though this was an enlightening experience.

Because I have other things to fill my time ...

2011-03-21T17:20:00.003-06:00

I didn't get accepted into the BYU MPA program. To be honest, I wasn't totally expecting to get in. After submitting my application, I didn't have a "my future" feeling.

It's OK.

I have a job in AZ. I like AZ. It's the right place right now.

Horchata and Court

2011-03-17T14:21:00.003-06:00

I'm waiting for a video I'm working on to render.
Sometimes it takes about 15 or so minutes.
Suddenly, I had the urge to listen to this song:

And, for some reason, it makes me think of this girl:

Then I miss her. A lot. Even though I would have preferred to have been employed last fall, I'm kind of glad I wasn't. I got to hang out with her more.

P.S. I really love my job. It makes me think more creatively. Unfortunately, I'm tired after work and, therefore, just want to be lazy and not do anything ... including blog. I promise, I'm trying to be better.

My hair suffers when ...

2011-02-07T14:52:00.004-07:00

When I get bored, my hair suffers. Once, in a three-month period, I dyed my hair (first time ever), got bangs and cut off 10 inches.

I didn't hate my hair; it was definitely fun. Weird having way short hair, but still fun.

I don't necessarily want to dye or chop off all my hair right now, but I need to do something. I'm thinking of getting bangs again.

For those of you who know me, bangs and I have a love/hate relationship. Honestly, it would probably be better for my mental health if I let go of the bang fascination. Unfortunately, I just can't.

Right now, I feel like my hair is just hanging here. It needs some style going on. I don't want to cut of length, just give it some life.

Please, please, please give me your opinions—share pictures of the style you think I should sport. At least a few serious ones, folks.

Half of my heart

2011-01-28T11:27:00.002-07:00

I've loved John for a long time. His new cd came out, and I didn't listen to it immediately. I'm not exactly sure why, I just didn't. But I've started listening to it now, and I love this song. As of late, I feel like I can kind of identify with this song. And it's catchy. And I love John's voice.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2011-01-25T10:59:00.003-07:00

It's been a quite a while since I last blogged. For that, I'm sorry. (Really, the main person I'm saying sorry to is Courtney Anderson—she called me out on my want of posts.)

A few things have changed in my life.

1. I no longer live in Indiana.

2. I no longer live in Idaho.

3. I'm no longer unemployed.

I'm a marketing intern for Waterstone Mortgage in Arizona. I pretty much love my job. I mainly edit videos and marketing materials, but I occasionally update our social media outlets and design things. (There's another marketing intern that primarily deals with those facets of the job.)

I'm living with my nearly life-long friend, Felice. I hadn't seen her for three or so years, and then all of the sudden I was moving to her neck of the woods. She was oh-so-gracious enough to give me a place to live. Can I just say, it was so great to move in with somebody I already knew. It's scary enough starting a new job but moving to a completely new place, knowing nobody? That would have been terrifying. The Graves family is certainly a blessing. Brother and Sister Graves always invite me over for Sunday dinner (and it's always delicious), and Sister Graves made sure that I knew I could come over any time. Blessing, let me tell ya.

Condensed version of this post: I'm really liking Arizona.

Know that you are loved

2010-12-24T19:42:00.004-07:00

Christ: The Real Gift of Christmas

This year has been trying. However, it has given me an even greater assurance that my Heavenly Father is aware of me, that He loves me. It has increased my knowledge that my Savior Jesus Christ loves me.

Christ chose to follow His Father's will. He is the ultimate example, the light that we can follow.

"I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth in me should not abide in darkness." (John 12:46)

He suffered for our sins, became a literal savior. Christ died on the cross and was resurrected. He lives. He loves us. He beckons for us to repent and follow Him. He does not turn His back to us but is always waiting with open arms. Whatever our burdens may be He calls to us:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

We have the love and care of our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. We have not been left to navigate alone. The guidance is there if we will ask and listen.

Lord, save me

2010-12-11T22:03:00.003-07:00

Being happy doesn't always come easy for me. I've often wondered why I struggle so; I'm quite blessed.

It seems like I'll be on a good jag, and then it comes crumbling down. I understand that the adversary is constantly working to bring us down; happiness levels are bound to dip every now and then. What I want to avoid is the "crumbling down" part.

I feel like crumbling down shouldn't be happening, not when I have so much. I have been taken in by my grandparents and my aunt and uncle. I've had the opportunity to volunteer for a political campaign (thank you, Uncle Bert). I've been able to spend time with friends and family. I've made new friends. I haven't been sick, which is a great blessing because I haven't had healthcare. My car has been doing wonderfully. And now I'm applying for graduate school.

These are just a few of the blessings I have been given.

Yes, I've had a hard fall. I moved back West to look for work. I was getting interviews, and things were looking good. Unfortunately, those interviews didn't pan out, and I've been out of work since August. I keep applying, but I'm rarely getting interviews anymore.

"But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me."

"And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31, emphasis added)

I have been like Peter. I had faith when I came out here, but when things got rough I doubted. But now I am saying, "Lord, save me," and I know that He will stretch forth his hand.

Things probably won't miraculously change. I'll still be applying for jobs. But my attitude will change.

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come." (D&C 68:6)

I choose to be happy.

To prevent "crumbling," I'm going to focus on these three things:

1) read scriptures

2) pray

3) remember blessings

How do you prevent "crumbling"?

Last night I was up and doing dishes at midnight

2010-12-08T16:57:00.003-07:00

I'm a semi-insomniac. It usually takes me forever to fall asleep, and I usually wake up multiple times during the night. Aren't I supposed to be getting in all the sleep I can before I have kids? (Which, for obvious reasons, will still be years away :)

OK, here are some thoughts on what might be keeping me awake.

• I'm not exercising. At all. Since age 11, I have been an avid runner. I ran all through middle school, high school and a couple years of college. I also participated in volleyball, softball, soccer, ultimate, yoga, etc. Perhaps my body is just revolting against my sluggishness. I've got something to tell my body: it's winter! This is not the time to play sports. Maybe I'll get some yoga and ab workouts going. Maybe.

• I have no job. Some might think this would mean I was sleeping more. That might be true for some people. However, I'm the kind of person whose mind does not shut down. Being unemployed gives a person a lot to think about, like how am I going to live? Yes, not being able to sleep because of my employment status might classify me as a bit of a worry wart. Whatever, that little attribute is not going to change.

• I didn't study for the GRE yesterday. This goes with my being a worry wart. Also, I didn't exert any of my mental energy. I had a buildup of physical and mental energy yesterday.

So, what did I learn from blogging today?

Exercise.

Find a job.

Study for the GRE.

What's keeping you up at night?

Day 30: a photo of you when you were happy

2010-12-06T11:46:00.008-07:00

It's the final day of the photo challenge. I have loved sharing all of these pictures and memories. This final photo post is a little difficult. I have many pictures of when I'm happy—people don't tend to take pictures of when they are depressed.

I'm relatively happy right now, but not my happiest. I don't have a job, and I'm not in school. However, I know that I have been, and continue to be, blessed. I have many family members who help me so much. But I'm not overwhelmingly happy right now.

EFY has kind of been done in my photo challenge posts. Don't get me wrong, I am indescribably happy when I'm efy-ing it up. Still, I've had a lot of posts to do with efy. It's time for something else.

I'd like to take you back to the final months of my senior year in college.

I never really had a boyfriend during my college years. In the middle of my last semester, I met Kyle. I have never had so much in common with one person. Almost immediately we became best friends. We played on some Ultimate and soccer teams together with our ward. We watched movies, carved pumpkins, threw pumpkins, went on walks, etc.

Unfortunately, the semester was quickly coming to a close, and that meant we both were graduating. Even with the distance that came after graduation, we attempted to stay together. But after a few ups and downs, we ended it in July.

I know what you're thinking; this doesn't sound happy at all. But look at that picture! Obviously, I was happy. It was a lot of fun, and it definitely was a good experience. Did I think it would end? No, but that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

Something that makes me really happy is all that I've taken from that relationship. I learned so much about myself and who I am. I know that I am a better person because of that relationship.

Day 29: a photo of someone you find attractive

2010-12-05T23:12:00.002-07:00

James Franco.

Enough said.

Redesigning my Web site

2010-12-04T21:08:00.002-07:00

I'm redesigning my Web site.

I've been wanting to redesign for a long time, but I wasn't getting any ideas.

I finally got an idea.

Tell me what you think.

Day 28: a photo of what you ate today

2010-12-04T21:05:00.003-07:00

I was on the road for around 4.5 hours today. When I stopped for gas, the King called to me. I've really been wanting to eat healthier, but my hunger got the best of me. Tomorrow is another day.

Day 27: a photo of last summer

2010-12-03T01:01:00.003-07:00

I spent my summer doing efy. It was absolutely ah-may-zing. One not-so-fantastic thing about about being an efy counselor is the severe lack of sleep. So whenever there was a chance to catch a few zzz, I took the opportunity. I fell asleep in many random places and positions. I didn't really think I could fall asleep when standing, but I proved that theory wrong. I love that this picture was taken by one of my participants.

Day 26: a photo of your favorite weekend

2010-12-02T09:22:00.003-07:00

Um, I have had a lot of first-rate weekends. I continue to have those weekends. This made finding one picture very difficult. I'm sure that there is one that is high above others, but it's not coming to mind.

OK, this picture may not technically take place on a weekend, but it stands for many.

During efy, there are a few short hours on the weekend when we're not working. I still spent all that time with counselors. No matter what we were doing, we always had fun.

This picture was taken during the Ohio week session at Six Flags in Gurnee (counselors pictured had that week off).

Day 25: a photo of a night you loved

2010-12-01T09:37:00.004-07:00

Sept. 10, 2010.

EFY Reunion.

Amazing.

I love the people I work with during efy. So getting together with them is always a blast. From being greeted by Ammon Kenner, to being reunited with part of an "epic co-counselorship," to having an awkwardly close picture with Danny B. Fun was had by all, and it didn't end when the BBQ did.

I loved Sept. 10.

Day 24: a photo of you that your hair looks nice in

2010-11-30T08:44:00.003-07:00

So this is a pretty old picture of me. I want to say it's the summer after my senior year, but it might be after my freshman year of college. Choosing an old picture isn't saying that I haven't liked my hair since, it's just that this is my absolute favorite. I love my hair color, (my natural color, just highlighted by the summer) and the length is perfect—nice and long. I think this is my favorite hair picture because it's just long and has a nice little wave to it. That's pretty much what my goal is for my hair now, to look like it did then. OK, I'm done mooning over my old hair.

Day 23: a photo of your friend as a baby

2010-11-29T18:46:00.001-07:00

Um, I don't have any pictures of my friends as babies. I'll work on that.

Day 22: a photo of your town

2010-11-28T08:38:00.003-07:00

I don't really have a town right now. I'm more of a nomad. Actually, vagabond has a more fitting definition.

I guess I'll go with my hometown. Good ol' St. John.

And this was the only picture I could find of it.

Day 21: a photo of you standing up

2010-11-27T18:45:00.003-07:00

Stephanie, Cyd, Paige and I went to Chicago for a She and Him concert. We decided to take some pictures by The Bean. This is my I'm-so-scared-of-the-big-city look. Or it could be a I-need-to-go-to-the-bathroom-but-there's-only-portable-bathrooms look.

Day 20: a photo of something you enjoy doing

2010-11-27T18:30:00.004-07:00

A photo of something I enjoy doing; this picture gets two birds with one stone. First, I LOVE doing efy. Being an efy counselor is probably the best job ever. No, wait. It IS the best job ever. Helping youth come unto Christ—seriously, you can't compete with that job description.

Now, in this photo I am doing something called the "night time t-rex." I would turn out my girls' lights by coming around as a t-rex. I really don't know what started this, but for some reason my girls loved it. It kind of became my thing.

Being an efy counselor and a night time t-rex: two things I enjoy doing.

Day 19: a photo of you on a school trip

2010-11-25T12:58:00.003-07:00

Fall 2008, Communication Conference in Kansas City. Kate and I are looking at the bill after a particularly pricey meal out. But goodness, was it tasty!

Day 18: a photo of one of your classes

2010-11-24T18:38:00.003-07:00

This was one of my favorite classes. Custom Images with Caryn Esplin. I think I took four classes from Sister Esplin. She's a wonderful teacher. This is a picture of our class at Bannack, Montana. It's an ghost town, and the buildings there were phenomenal. I would really like to go back some time.

Eek! I missed a day. Day 15: a photo of you and someone you love

2010-11-23T22:14:00.004-07:00

OK, so this post is a little out of order. I accidently skipped over this one. A photo of you and someone you love. Goodness, how could I skip this day?!

My dad. I love going on bike rides with my dad, which is saying something since I'm not a great cyclist. Also, dancing to various show theme songs. (Witchy stirring the pot, anyone?) Just like my mom, my dad went to the myriad of things I participated in—band concerts, parades, races, theatrical productions, choir. (You know you're loved when the person sits through that many bell performances just to hear you sing a few songs.)

My dad also dealt with being outnumbered during the high school years. After years of having 4 to 2 ratio, suddenly it was 2 to 1, girls favor. He was privy to conversations concerning boys (of course he was sworn to secrecy). He would also give advice about boys. (I know, a dad giving advice about teenage boys? It's like he was one or something.)

Most recently, my dad drove me back out to Idaho. But he's been doing stuff like that for my entire life. I know that I'm truly blessed to have such a wonderful, loving man for my father. They don't come any better.

Day 17: a drunk photo of you

2010-11-23T10:34:00.002-07:00

OK, so it's not really a drunk photo, but it's as close as we're going to get. My dear sister-in-law Nika got margarita glasses for me when I started college. So we had to make fun drinks to go in them. Maybe it was the sugar, but I think some of our photo albums from these "margarita nights" could fool people as to our state of sobriety.

Whatever, we had a lot of fun with our virgin margaritas. Heck, I would still have a lot of fun with virgin margarita nights.

My life ...

2010-11-22T17:12:00.004-07:00

I applied for eight jobs today.

I've applied for about 15 total in the past few days.

Somethings gotta give.

No, really. It's gotta.

Day 16: a photo of you at the last party you went to

2010-11-22T08:40:00.003-07:00

I've actually been to quite a few parties lately—three in Boise alone. Unfortunately, there are no pictures. The last party that I took pictures at was probably the efy reunion.

Whenever I see this picture, I crack up. I told Danny I wanted an awkwardly close picture; this is the result. That kid cracks me up. It's a good thing, too. I spent many hours traveling in a car with him this summer.

Day 14: a photo of one of your favorite family members

2010-11-21T11:02:00.003-07:00

My mom. She's my absolute best friend. I can talk to her about ANYTHING. In fact, I want to talk to her about anything and everything—it's a good thing we have Verizon family plan. I talk to my mom at least every other day, and our conversations are usually over an hour. (Honestly, I'm not sure how we talk that long. It's not like I have a super interesting life.) My mom has woken from deep slumber to take my calls. I don't know how the woman does it, but she can help comfort a broken heart from over a 1,000 miles. I even wrote a column for the Mothers' Weekend edition of the Scroll about our relationship.

I am blessed to have an amazing family—I could have written this post about any of them.

Day 13: a photo of your best friend(s)

2010-11-20T12:39:00.004-07:00

I am blessed to have a lot of wonderful friends. This was a hard post, because I have so many people I could post about.

Natalie: Natalie was my roommate/friend for last four semesters at BYU—Idaho. She was always there when I needed to talk, get Dairy Queen or Taco Bell or watch "P.S. I Love You." I don't get to see Natalie often, but it's wonderful when I do.

Court: This girl is AWESOME. I met her while working efy this summer, though our mothers have supposedly known each other for years (p.s. thanks for the introduction). Though we spent an entire summer together, we got to be better friends when I moved back west. I love when I get to spend time with her. I can talk to her about anything, and she's supportive. She's also a good influence ... most of the time ;)

Brooke: My best friend for about five years now. I already did a post about Brooke. Basically, I love this girl. We have completely different lives now, but we can still call each other and talk forever.

Day 12: a photo of you

2010-11-19T14:22:00.002-07:00

Perfect timing for a photo of me. I was going to post this photo anyways.

I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 with Hannah George (I met Hannah working on the political campaign).

HP7 was AWESOME. I love HP. I have loved HP since I started reading the books in middle school. My love has only grown in that time. For Halloween, I was Ginny Weasley, though everyone thought I was Hermione. (Honestly folks, I can get my hair to be wavy and puffy, not a problem. Why would I straighten my hair to be Hermione?)

Here's the basic message: I love HP. I will always love HP.

Day 11: a photo of your favorite film

2010-11-18T16:23:00.002-07:00

I need to preface this post: I love movies. A lot. I am even starting to expand my viewing to more action films. (You so want to kick it into turbo with a Mini Cooper after watching "Italian Job.") A good night is watching movies, as long as I'm able to talk through some of them. I can't help it; I love to make comments. But not in a full theater—that's just rude.

OK, "Little Women." I have loved this movie since the Christmas morning I opened it. It's been my go-to movie for years. I watch it when I'm sick, I watch it when I'm healthy. I watch it when the weather is nippy, I watch it when it's blistering (though I admit I don't watch it as often in the summer). I've finally decided to read the actual book (crazy, I know). So far, I'm loving it as well.

But I will admit there is a part of the movie I'm not in love with. My cousin, Malinda, pointed it out on Facebook a month or so ago. The scene where Laurie and Jo kiss. Honestly, they couldn't re-shot that scene so Christian Bale wouldn't have a saliva line trailing from Winona Ryder's mouth? It ruined what could have been a sweet/sad scene. Instead, I just think of an awfully spitty kiss.

Day 10: a photo of you as a baby

2010-11-17T14:30:00.003-07:00

I don't really have a lot of pictures of me as a baby. I mean, I know my mom does, but I don't have them on my computer. I decided to go with this picture; it shows what happens when you have three older brothers. Yes, you are seeing correctly. I have a pink and purple cast on my leg. Broken, by the one is glancing menacingly at me.

OK, OK. Travis didn't mean to do it. It was an accident, and I'm sure he felt awful about it. My understanding is that Travis took very good care of me and was wrapped around my finger. He would do whatever I told him to, which included dropping me when I barked the order. Unfortunately, dropping a child on wet grass equals a twisted, broken leg.

Lucky for him my cast matched one of my outfits perfectly, or else mom would have been pretty upset.

Day 9: a photo of your family

2010-11-16T13:18:00.003-07:00

I already put one of these pictures on the good ol' blog, but I'll put up a few more to go with it.

Getting older is not always great, but something fabulous that does come from getting older is more family! I love finally having sisters. It's good to have sisters to talk to about anything from boy problems to which ice cream you should choose for your rootbeer floats.

And having two nieces and a nephew? Fuhgetaboutit! Nothing better.

I love my family. They are all amazing people. They've helped to make me who I am, and I'm so happy that I am connected to them forever.

Day 8. a photo of your favorite band/musician

2010-11-16T13:08:00.003-07:00

She and Him.

Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward.

They've got a distinct sound, and I get excited when I hear them on the radio—it doesn't happen very often, which is OK. I went to their free concert in Chicago at the beginning of June.

It was awesome.

Give a listen.

Day 7: a photo of someone I love

2010-11-16T12:43:00.003-07:00

Yikes. I've fallen behind a bit. But don't you worry; I'll make up for it.

This one is kind of hard. I have a lot of people that I love. I feel like it would be a bit obvious if I put a picture of a family member. Plus, imagine the jealousy and anger that would ensue. I can't rip my family apart over a blog entry.

Brooke Backman Smith. I just love this girl. We met our freshman year at BYU–Idaho. Random roommates. I lived with Brooke for three years. But then she went and got married and had a kid—who does that? But it doesn't matter, because we can still call each other about anything. (Which reminds me, I need to call her soon :) I have a million and one pictures of Brooke to pick from, but I felt like this was a good representation of her ... that I stole from her facebook. It also represents our love Kevin Bacon.

Day 6: a photo that makes you laugh

2010-11-13T09:45:00.002-07:00

The tale of this picture. My friend Courtney and I were visiting friends in Provo. We were supposed to go swimming at one of our friends apt complex, but he wasn't home. We told him since we couldn't get into the pool that we decided to chill in his tub instead. He didn't believe us. We decided that we wanted him to truly believe that we were in his tub. So we changed into our swimsuits and jumped into his tub. We had one of his roommates take a picture with Courtney's phone, and then we sent the picture.

We take our jokes seriously.

Day 5: a photo of me

2010-11-13T09:41:00.001-07:00

This is a picture of me during the last week of efy. It was games night, and it looked like a wicked storm was about to come (that's what I was looking at). My friend, Joe, took this picture with Courtney's camera. I don't know why, but I like it.

Day 4: the last place I went on holiday

2010-11-11T07:59:00.004-07:00

Well, this one is kind of sad. The last place I went on holiday ... Idaho. Where do I live now? Idaho. Last May, I came back to visit family and friends. Maybe when I get a real job I can go on a more lively holiday.

This is a picture with various old roommates at Rachelle's baby shower. I was so glad that I was in town for the shower.

Day 3: A photo that makes me happy

2010-11-10T08:21:00.004-07:00

I couldn't pick just one photo for today's challenge—a photo that makes me happy—so I picked the three people who make any photo one that makes me happy.

Ayda, my first niece. I remember how excited I was when I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant. Finally, I was going to be an aunt. Ayda was born right when school was ending for the semester. I got to hold her when she was four days old; that was one of the most amazing experiences. She was so tiny, and she was fresh from Heavenly Father. Now, Ayda is a beautiful four year old. She's active, intelligent, artistic, caring, etc.

Paisley is my second niece, and I was thrilled for her debut. However, I had to wait to hold her. (Shake my fist at the distance between Alaska and Idaho). But when I got to hold her, my heart melted. Again, tiny and beautiful. (Man, I hit the jackpot on cute nieces.) Paisley is a chubby-cheeked sweetheart. When she smiles, her whole face smiles. You can't help but be happy. I love hearing her over the phone—especially when she's roaring like a lion.

Zander, my nephew. I have never seen someone so active and ready for life. He was taking it all in from the very beginning. I love his eyes—brown with an overwhelming twinkle. He doesn't walk—it's more of a hop-run. When he gets excited, he does a little stomp-dance. My mom says his smile will get him out of more trouble than it should—it will. The kid's adorable; he's going to be a heartbreaker that you can't help but love.

This might be a problem.

2010-11-09T19:19:00.002-07:00

I decided I should look over some of the application requirements for a MPA. Here's the one that caught me:

Career aspirations? Sensational. I have no idea.

How am I supposed to write application essays/letters of intent if I have no idea what I want to do with that degree or life in general?

I think this might be a problem.

Day 2: A photo of myself a year ago

2010-11-09T11:34:00.002-07:00

Ahhh, one year ago I was still in school. One of the coolest things I got to do during my last semester was go on an internship expedition to NYC.

AMAZING.

This picture was taken outside of CBS studios. Brooke Rodda (lovely lady on the left) was one of the BYU-Idahoans on the expedition. These fine people from Copper Mountain obliged our need to take a picture with fine looking men and a elkguin (I think it was a penguin mixed with an elk). If memory serves me, the ski patrol men were named Fred McGilicutty and Knee Deep.

NYC was a fantastic experience for so many reasons. It was an exciting city, and what I learned many invaluable lessons from visiting various companies.

Photo challenge, Day 1: My facebook profile photo

2010-11-08T17:01:00.005-07:00

So I saw this cool photo challenge on another blog, and I though maybe it would inspire me to write on my blog more often. So here is day one's challenge: my Facebook profile picture.

This picture is from the She and Him concert I went to in May ... or June. I can't remember. It was free and awesome.

P.S. This was my 100th blog post. Woo!

Logan

2010-10-08T11:51:00.002-06:00

I'm working on writing another blog, but I'm not totally inspired right now. I want to be, but all my thoughts are trying to come out at once. We'll see what I end up writing.

For now, here's a picture I took of the Logan, Utah temple on Sept. 23.

So this is why dinosaurs are extinct . . .

2010-09-29T16:12:00.001-06:00

My friend, Cami, bought this card for her boyfriend yesterday.

I thought it was hilarious.

A secret love ...

2010-09-22T16:51:00.005-06:00

One secret about me: I like lip gloss. Not lipstick. I resemble a clown when I try to "effortlessly" wipe on the latest shade. Plus, the various shade names make it sound like I could get an STD from using them (Naughty You, Lickable, Please Me, etc).

I'm a sucker for a good lip gloss ad. Yes, I bought the Blistex Lip Infusion because the ad made the roll-on applicator look intense, like it would feel as though I was wiping silk on my lips.

Even though I hate/am terrified of snakes, I tried a lip gloss that had the ingredient of snake venom. (It's supposed to make your lips fuller, which, if you know me, I don't need a whole lot of help.)

Much like mascara, a quick swipe of lip gloss says to the world "I'm ready."

One night, as I was getting ready to go out, I noticed that my lip gloss was running really low. That's fine, I'd just grab my Burt's Bees. Oh ... never mind, that's gone. What about ... nope, it's gone, too.

I hadn't found myself in this kind of predicament for a while. On the up side, this meant I could find some new lip balm. I decided to take a look at Bath and Body Works. That's where I found CO Bigelow.

OK, I'll get the pathetic part out of the way first: I was drawn to the display because of the packaging design — clean with a hint of flair.

I wanted something with a fresh taste and an understated shine.

I found this:

CO Bigelow's Mentha Lip Shine in spearmint. It's big selling point was that it helped freshen breath. (Yeah, I'm not too sure how they pull that one off.) But my curiosity got the better of me. I forked over my $7.50 to try this breath-freshening lip shine.

I'm hooked. It's not so shiny that I blind others when the sun hits my lips, and it sends out a tasty, fresh spearmint scent. Probably the biggest win is that I don't have to reapply every 10 minutes.

There's only one test left ...

Window to the soul.

2010-09-21T11:36:00.005-06:00

One thing I adore is portrait photography. I like photography in general, but there's something about capturing a person on film. The best part is when you're trying to get who they are to shine through onto the image. For me, it's all in the eyes. Though it's cliché, the eyes are indeed the window to the soul. You can tell if a person is being completely natural in a picture by looking at their eyes. I love seeing the various expressions that come out. I don't think I've ever met a person that is smiling all the time. Even when I'm happy, I'm not always smiling.

This is a beautiful young woman who allowed me to take some senior portraits of her. She was one of the best models because she was herself. Yes, there were some times that she indulged the wannabe artist in me and posed; overall, she was herself. I look at some senior portraits, and I think, "Yeah, that picture's pretty but who is that person?" This young woman knows that she's beautiful just being her.

The Worth of Souls ...

2010-08-23T16:58:00.002-06:00

Shocking, learning about the worth of souls when I was confronted with so many different types of souls at efy.

I was given the intense blessing of having 8–12 girls in my counselor group each week. I was also blessed to have other girls and boys in my various companies. Each week brought a new lesson about the worth of each individual soul.

One particular week sticks out in my mind. Like every week of efy, there were definite ups. However, this was a week that had a depressing down. There was an individual that had made some choices that were starting to have repercussions in his/her life.

At first, I didn't say anything. But the situation took another interesting, unexpected, turn, and I was compelled to say something. I was impressed to have an impromptu lesson on the worth of the individual soul.

The first scripture I was impressed to share won't be a shocker: "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him." (D&C 18:10–11).

Never had that scripture had so much meaning to me. This individual (plus a few others) didn't seem to have a complete understanding of how significant life was, how important each soul —whether dead, alive or yet to be alive — is in our Heavenly Father's mind.

At first, I was worried about future souls that would be affected by this lackadaisical attitude towards God's creations. But then I realized if this person wasn't worried about other souls, he/she did not have an understanding of who he/she was. There was no understanding of the divine potential at his/her fingertips.

I spent too much of my own life trying to figure out who I was. But as I spoke with this small group, it hit me: I know exactly who I am. I am a daughter of the most high God, my Heavenly Father. I have my own individual purpose for being here.

I couldn't stand these people not realizing their own divine potential. Going into this discussion, I figured I would have so much to say. But as I shared a few scriptures and bore my testimony, I realized that's all I could do. I encouraged them to find out for themselves, find out if it was all true. If it was all true, then how could they be anything less than a son/daughter of God?

As I said earlier, each week brought new insight into the worth of souls.

In Nauvoo, I wrote down this during a class: We need to define others as children of God, who they really are.

When we realize who we are, we in turn realize who those people around us are. When we have that knowledge, how can we treat others like anything less than a child of God.

I'm definitely far from perfect, this area included, but how much more pleasant will our lives be if we can remember that.

As I was studying today, I came across this phrase: "The worth of a soul is its capacity to become as God."

My soul has the capacity to be as God. Your soul has the capacity to be as God.

Here's my challenge, for me and you (whoever you are): Remember that each person around you has a soul that has the capacity to become as God. So when we're tempted to be cruel or unfeeling, think of how you would treat Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Another summer of fun and growth

2010-08-21T08:36:00.003-06:00

Some may look at my life and think, "Wow, you've been rolling a few snake eyes." To them I reply, "Not really."

Yes, I'm 23 and live with my parents. Yes, I am unemployed. Yes, I lack insurance. And yes, I'm single. But before you give a sympathetic shake of your head, lend an eye to what I've been doing this summer. (Get it? 'Lend an eye' because you're reading, not listening. Get it?)

E. F. Y.

Especially for Youth. (Though with all the growth I receive from being a counselor it should be called Especially for Counselors.)

Yup, I was a counselor again. Except I spent this summer traveling to various states in the Midwest — Minnesota, Kansas, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and back to Illinois. Though there was a lot of being stuck in a car, I wouldn't trade the time I spent with my fellow counselors. Amazing people. Also, I had a different connection to the youth from the Midwest. Six years ago I was in there shoes: ready to start another school year as the only member of the church in the school.

There was much laughter, and many tears. Happiness and heartache. It broke my heart to see poor decisions being made, but I was also lifted by those who were working to be and stay on the strait and narrow. Honestly, when I heard youth testify (either formally or informally) I was strengthened more than they will ever know. There is a great power sharing your testimony.

Saturdays were usually hard because I got to have a teeny taste of what it's like to be a mother: you've tried hard to get them to listen and learn all week, and now it was time to let them go back into the world to make their own choices. (P.S. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle being a mom ... this was quite hard. And I only knew these kids for a week!)

But here's something interesting I gained a greater knowledge of: I didn't teach anyone. That wasn't my job. My job was to "assist, encourage, and guide youth as the strive to 'come unto Christ.'" I needed to create a climate that allowed the spirit to enter in and teach them. I prepared my devotionals with the knowledge that I wasn't actually teaching them. I prepared with the thought, "Will this allow the spirit to enter in and testify of Christ? Will the spirit be able to testify of these principals that will lead us to Christ?"

This summer has been one of growth for me. I have a greater knowledge of many different things. Instead of trying to write about all of them in one post, I will break them up and write individual posts for them.

I'll leave you with this: We studied one of the talks given by President Uchtdorf in General Conference in preparation for this summer. After reading and discussing, my BC (building counselor — basically a counselor that not only helps the youth, but also helps counselors) gave us a sticky note to put on our mirrors. On that note we wrote, "I am His hands." Read the talk, and you'll understand. You'll probably want to put a sticky note on your mirror.

(Sorry my thoughts are a little haphazard in this post. I have so many things I want to write about but they all get jumbled up. Hopefully this whole breaking up my posts will help organize my thoughts.)

She and Him

2010-06-09T18:08:00.006-06:00

I recently made a discovery: Millennium Park holds free concerts on Mondays during the summer.

June 7, 2010 brought She and Him to Chicago for a free show.

I believe the following picture accurately portrays the feelings brought on by this concert.

Stephanie, Cyd and me

The pavilion was packed to the gills, so we were standing the entire time. But Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward delivered a rocking show filled with vintage sounds, ranging from the '50s to '70s. Sometimes Deschanel sounded like the lead vocals of a '60s girl group, other times I was reminded of '70s folk singer.

I think the best part was that I felt free to dance. While we were searching for Stephanie's friend, I danced my way through crowds. I usually have a hard time dancing in front of people — I was not blessed with those kind of skills. But the music was going, and I just had to move. Besides, there were people that looked just as stupid as, if not more so than, me. I chose to let go of my inhibitions and dance.

Paige and me

I'd say I made the right choice.

The run.

2010-05-19T16:53:00.002-06:00

Start.

Slowly go.

Cross the street.

Start the watch.

Plod along.

Run.

Foot aching

Sweat pouring.

Blood pumping.

Heart racing.

Miles.

Three to go.

Legs cramping.

Can't make it.

Push finish.

Finish.

Breathe.

—jg

Doesn't get much cuter than this ...

2010-05-17T11:25:00.000-06:00

So, I have a really cute nephew.

Coquetry

2010-04-19T15:56:00.002-06:00

I thought the word coquetry was funny.

Then I starting playing with InDesign and Photoshop.

Yes, I have some time on my hands.

I guess I should work on my coquetry skills.

Little April Shower

2010-04-18T16:54:00.002-06:00

This picture reminds me of the song "Little April Shower" from "Bambi."

Don't look back

2010-04-14T11:16:00.003-06:00

Everyday, an innumerable amount of decisions are made: deciding what to wear, which route to take to work, what to eat for breakfast, etc. Most decisions aren't life changing; Grape Nuts or toast, it doesn't really matter.

However, during the span of our lives, we will make many life changing decisions. Some will make "pro and con" lists or flip coins, others will go with a gut feeling. Some people will turn to the Lord in prayer. Whatever way you choose, you'll eventually make a decision.

A lucky person will be confident with their decision, never wavering. Unfortunately, most of us will question "if": "What if I had gone to that university?" "What if I had continued dating that person?" "What if I had taken that job?"

"If" is poison. When we constantly question and doubt, we are never satisfied with life. We'll always think about the other side, and how it is probably greener.

Soon, we'll be questioning every decision we've ever made. This only leads to feelings of regret, confusion and unhappiness.

When we are faced with a life-changing decision, we need to make our move and stick to it. There's always the temptation to second guess, but we need to be confident. Have faith that you made the right choice.

Once you've made a decision, things automatically change. Wondering "if" never helps because it doesn't matter. Now, this is not to say that we always make the right choice. It may turn out to have been the wrong decision, but we have to work with what we've got.

You need to make the best of your choice. Move forward.

I like how She and Him sang it:

"Don't look back; all you'll ever get is the dust from the steps before."

CADD

2010-03-29T14:38:00.000-06:00

It's been a few months, and I'm still unemployed. OK, technically I'm a substitute teacher. Unfortunately, I only get called twice a week, max. I won't complain too much; it's better than nothing.

I've applied for a few jobs that I actually want — office assistant, copy editor and page designer. Unfortunately, I've heard nothing back from any of the three.

However, I have made a startling discovery about my inability to discover my “true” career path. (Well, if my parents or best friends are reading this, it may not be such a “starling discovery” to them.)

I have CADD — career attention deficit disorder.

One of the major symptoms is the failure to decide on a career path, even after completing an undergraduate degree. (Great, I had a hard enough time deciding on an area of study when I was in college.)

On Monday, I want to be a world-renowned photographer. Not only would I shoot stark portraits of beauty and grace, I would capture moments of suffering, joy and great achievement. Oh, and of course I would paint as a hobby.

Tuesday is when I want to craft for the remainder of my days. I want to create interior and exterior décor, sewing and hot gluing my way into success. But I wouldn't be limited to accouterments for the home. I would make jewelry, purses, headbands, etc. Yes, I would be quite the creator.

Wednesday, I want to be a librarian for an elementary school. I would teach students how to find books in the library and order fun, new children's books. But the best part would be the days I just got to read stories to different classes, changing my voice to fit each character's description.

On Thursday, I want to work for a big PR firm in the city. I would work with high-end clients, getting their products/services out in the public eye. I would design their logos, choose their color palettes and edit their text.

Fridays are when I want to work as a young adult book editor. I'd would read all day, searching for the next Harry Potter. I would help authors with sentence structures and cut out unnecessary side stories. And I would fix spelling mistakes and catch those pesky grammatical errors, unlike the editors of the “Twilight” series.

Saturdays are when I decide that I want to work for a magazine. I would design pages, finding the perfect layout to draw in the reader's eye. Not only would I wow my bosses with my bold choice of colors and font, they would soon discover that I have a knack for photography. “Sure Jessica, give this photo assignment a try!”

But then on Sundays, I decide that I want to write. I want to write for magazines, giving my insights on every aspect of life (because, of course, everyone would want my opinion). I would have series of children's books, and my young adult books would fly off shelves. Then I would write an autobiography, telling all of my fascinating stories.

I fear I will always be affected by CADD. But I will function. I will find a career that suits me. And just in case, I will make time for many different “hobbies.”

I used to be a runner: the Jessica Gower story

2010-03-04T20:48:00.004-07:00

My brother, Scott, has a new blog: The People's Runner. He's training for a half-marathon this summer. That, in and of itself, is inspiring to me.

The longest race I have run is a 10K (6.2 miles).

I started running when I was 11 years old. I kept running all through high school. I decided not to continue running for a collegiate team, though I participated in an intramural program at BYU–Idaho.

Running was an escape/release for me. I used to be able to run for miles without an iPod. It was a time to think, or a time to forget my problems and just focus on something else. Sometimes I would just focus on the burn or the way my feet sounded as they pounded the pavement.

But I feel as if I have lost my simple love of running. Instead of being a daily release for me, it has become something I do when my emotions have built up and are ready to burst. And I don't just go and focus on something else anymore — my iPod is always playing.

Though I haven't run regularly since the fall of 2007, my supposed "love" has reached a new level of estrangement. Since May 2009, I can probably count the number of times I have gone for a run on my fingers.

The summer has a semi-valid excuse. I was an efy counselor, and I functioned on an average of 5 hours of sleep a night. That really doesn't give you much time/juice for running when the job is a high-energy counselor for teenagers. Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't trade in last summer for anything. But it did start me on the slippery slope to laziness.

I don't have an excuse for the fall. I could have gone running almost every day.

Now that I have graduated and am unemployed, I really don't have any excuse for not exercising. Except I hate running on treadmills, and it's still cold outside.

But it's getting warmer, and I am lucky enough to have access to a treadmill.

So begins the journey. I am going to start training again. This will include: running, yoga, ab workouts and weight training. (OK, it's not real weight training. My mom has some 5-10-20 pound weights that I'll use for some exercises.)

I haven't decided what I'm going to train for yet. I'd like to start back with a 5K, but I'd like to keep moving up. One goal is to be ready for a race in May. But the main goal is to get back to a pure love of running.

"It's Caroline"

2010-03-01T17:42:00.003-07:00

When we travel for extended periods of time, say two and a half hours, we expect our destination to be worth the time. Well, it's a good thing I didn't have high expectations.

On Feb. 13, 2010, I — along with Cyd, Annalisa and Cassie — traveled to Rockford, Ill. for a Young Single Adult activity (YSA). The ride up was great fun. We got to know each other a little bit better. And we got some golden quotes: “I get really hot when I talk a lot.”

When we finally reached the building, we noticed there were quite a few cars, though not as many as one would expect for an eight-stake activity.

The first thing we had to do was make a name tag. To make things a bit more interesting, we decided to play off of a Brian Regan bit. (“Some people get really upset if you say their name wrong, especially if they have a name that's similar to another name. Carolyn and Caroline. They got a thing about that, man. Don't get that wrong, 'cause they're gonna drill you. 'Hi, Caro... lyn.'

'It's Caroline. It's Caroline, Brian...'”.) So we each chose a form of the name ― Caroline, Carolyn, Karalyn, Karoline. If anyone tried to pronounce our name, we would say, “No, it's actually *insert opposite of whatever they tried.*

It's kind of sad that so many people believed us even when we were all standing next to each other and giggling.

Cassie and I sat next to each other during the speed dating part of the activity. Each lucky guy that sat in front of us got a two-for-one deal (meaning the ratio for guys to girls was normal for the LDS world). Our names took about a minute out of our three minute “connection” time. Oh darn.

Some of the guys were nice. Some were creepy ― mainly this guy who kept winking at me.

After the speed dating was over, there was supposed to be karaoke and dancing. Yeah, not much of that was happening. Cyd and I decided to go make a valentine. Yes, at a YSA activity there was a craft table. Soon other people followed our trend. Then the Carolines decided it was time to perform.

After much debate, we decided to go with Britney Spears' original hit: “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” Let's just leave it at we were amazing.

Then we decided that we needed to start up the dancing. The Carolines were starting up trends all over the place.

I think our greatest influence was volleyball. During the speed dating, Cassie and I told one of the guys that we loved to play volleyball after our institute class. The guy said he would try to set up a game.

He tried and succeeded. So the Carolines joined in, and we won.

After spending less time in Rockford than it took to travel there, we decided to call it a night. When we got back in the car, we decided that the Carolines had been the life of the party. We started the craft table, karaoke, dancing and volleyball.

While the activity may have been a flop, we still had the car ride home. And more golden quotes: “I was just thinking about the type of moms you guys would be,” and “I'M GOING TO SELL MY AMERICAN DOLL!”

Natural light

2010-02-27T12:39:00.003-07:00

This is an old photo I took while I was still in school. I took this photo in October at Bannack, Montana — Beautiful old buildings with windows that let in the best light.

I miss having a bunch of willing models.

Ayda and Zander

2010-02-17T20:29:00.002-07:00

I like playing with photoshop.

I love my niece and nephew.

Like of photoshop + love of niece and nephew =

You are the strength of the Lord's house, His warriors!

2010-02-13T11:22:00.002-07:00

This quote was originally meant for Aaronic Priesthood holders, but as I feel that we can all benefit from reading:

“... These are your days! Do not squander them! Be sober! Take 'the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall ... quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.' Then 'fight the good fight of faith.' And when you have done all, 'stand' still and 'see the salvation of the Lord.'”

This quote comes from a talk given by James J. Hamula, of the Seventy, during the October 2008 General Conference (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).

The talk was entitled "Winning the War against Evil." I came across this talk while preparing for a Relief Society lesson (Gospel Principles, Chapter 3). What prompted me to read this talk was a question posed in the manual: In what ways does the War in Heaven continue today?

The War in Heaven was started because of Satan's rebellion against the plan of salvation set forth by a loving Father. What kept this war going was the fact that Satan was not alone in his rebellion — a third of the Father's children followed Satan. Those in rebellion did not keep their first estate, so therefore they were not given bodies. However, they are on the earth today. They come in whispers and dark promptings.

"Unfortunately, Satan's war did not end with his expulsion from heaven. As John observed, Satan and his followers were 'cast out into the earth' and have come here with 'great wrath.' The evidence of their wrath can be seen in the blood and horror that has afflicted man from the beginning of time," Elder Hamula said.

Some may think, "What are we to do against Satan's terrible power?"

What we can do is rely on the great power of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. We can exercise faith, pray and follow the commandments we have been given. We have prophets on this earth today to lead and guide us. We have the still, small voice of the Spirit. The guidance is there, we just have to listen.

This last quote by Elder Hamula is, again, directed to the holders of the Aaronic Priesthood. However, I believe it is meant for all:

"Now, my young friends of the Aaronic Priesthood, you are these valiant and noble sons of our Father! You are the strength of the Lord's house, His warriors! You are those who chose good over evil and exhibited 'exceedingly great faith' and 'good works.' And because of your personal history, you were entrusted to come to the earth in these last days to do again what you did before — to once again choose good over evil, exercise exceedingly great faith, and perform good works — and to do so in behalf of the kingdom of God on the earth and your fellowman!"

We've done it before, we can do it again.

If you want to read the original talk, which I highly recommend, just click here.

NYC favorites

2010-02-04T10:58:00.006-07:00

So I realize that I went to NYC months ago, but I only put up a couple of pictures. Here are a few of my favorites. I wish I could have spent more time in NYC, just taking it all in; it's amazing. Maybe one day I can go there for purely tourist/photography reasons.

New recipe!

2010-02-03T17:21:00.001-07:00

Go on over to www.shekissesbetterthanshecooks.blogspot.com for a snickerdoodle cupcake recipe!

Paisley Jane

2010-01-22T14:37:00.002-07:00

I had forgotten about these videos I took during Christmas. So in honor of Paisley's first birthday, two movies of epic proportions. The first is a classic tale of friendship: "Paisley and Piglet." The second is a harrowing tale of Paisley's journey to the kitchen: "Paisley's Long Journey."

"Paisley and Piglet"

"Paisley's Long Journey"

YSA speed dating? Sounds like fun to me.

2010-01-20T14:07:00.006-07:00

Is it wrong of me to be excited about YSA speed dating?

After institute, Bishop Jolley (our teacher) announced an eight-stake activity in February. It's part dance, part speed dating. However, when he announced the speed dating part everyone groaned.

Luckily, Tammy leaned over and said, "I don't care if they don't want to go, we're going."

I just don't understand. I think it'll be fun/funny. So what if I don't get a date out of it, it'll definitely give me something to write about. I mean, come on, eight stakes? There are bound to be some interesting characters. I can't think of a better way to spend my Valentine's Day weekend than to be surrounded by an incredibly awkward air.

But maybe I'm the only one who semi enjoys having slightly awkward experiences just so I can write about them later.

Four and a half years later and I'm still living across the hall from my parents

2010-01-05T09:05:00.004-07:00

I always had these grand thoughts about my future. First, I was going to be a lawyer. Then, acting was my true calling in life. I continued to bounce from one life-calling to another.

Then, I went to college. It was time for me to decide what to do with my life. I browsed through various catalogues, took different classes. The problem was that I liked all of my classes — this doesn't make for an easy major selection. After a couple *cough* years, I finally landed on communication. Now open to me were the worlds of journalism, public relations, advertising, etc.

As I approached graduation, various people would ask me what my degree was in; I would answer communication. Almost always the response would be: what are you going to do with that?

What was my brilliant answer? I have no idea.

One would think with all of those "worlds" open to me that I would have at least a little idea of what I was going to do with my life now that I had crossed that stage and accepted my diploma. But alas, no.

One guy in my home ward decided to voice his views on my "what am I going to do with my life" predicament. Instead of getting a job, I should focus my efforts on getting a husband.

Brilliant. Thanks for the great advice.

What I really like about the "just get married" advice is how easy everyone makes getting engaged sound.

"Really, I just need to want to get married, and it will happen? Wow. I sure wish I had thought of that earlier. Thanks!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to getting married. In fact, marriage has been one of grand thoughts of mine for years. But it'll happen when it happens. I still think I might want that old career thing.

Well, I kind of hoped that after writing this blog I would get a light bulb over my head, and I would now know what I wanted to do with my life. Rats. I guess I'll just keep applying to places that sound good.

P.S. If you hear about any places hiring, you can pass on that information to me.

New blog!

2010-01-01T18:50:00.004-07:00

So I've decided to try something new. I'm going to be keeping a recipe blog. I like to bake, and I'm learning to like to cook :) I'm hoping this blog will inspire me to do more of both. Also, I wouldn't be opposed to anyone sharing their favorite recipes with me. I'd love to try and make them — and who knows, the recipe might make it onto the blog. I know, it's exciting. The new blog is www.shekissesbetterthanshecooks.blogspot.com.

So, I graduated

2009-12-25T19:58:00.007-07:00

So, I graduated.

That was pretty cool, I guess. I mean, if you read my last post you'll understand my level of excitement (or lack thereof).

My parents drove out to Idaho to attend my graduate and bring back all of my belongings—two cars was just enough. The weather was practically perfect, which is a blessing considering the states and the time of year in which we were traveling.

It wasn't so weird when I was saying good bye and leaving Rexburg. It didn't feel like it was the last time I'd be in Rexburg. But it's finally sinking in that I'm done. Rexburg is no longer my home. Most people would say "Hallelujah! It's about time." However, Rexburg has grown on me.

When it's not blindly cold, it's a beautiful town. (OK. Even when it is cold, it's still pretty).

The temple was a 3 minute drive/20 minute walk from my apartment. How cool is that?

Picture taken by Rod Keller

And I met some of the most awesome people in Rexburg — roommates, professors, friends, bishoprics.

I'm glad that I graduated from college. But I wasn't quite ready to say good bye to friends and Rexburg.

I'd rather be a student ...

2009-12-08T20:55:00.006-07:00

I don't have much to write, but I'd like to mention that I only have a week and a half until graduation.

It's an absolutely surreal experience.

Natalie and I put on our caps and gowns yesterday. When I looked in the mirror, it was shocking. I've always known that I would get my bachelor's, but it's finally happening.

However, I have mixed emotions about the whole affair.

I'm excited to have achieved this feat, but I'm also sad/scared to be moving on. I'll go home for Christmas, but I won't be coming back in January. I won't be starting classes. This is the first time that I haven't had a real path to go on. While it's exciting to have so many options, it's terrifying to not know the next step.

I had a interviewer ask me my year and five-year plan.

Here's my reaction:

I don't know where I'll be living in less than a month, why are you asking me where I'll be in a year?

I'm excited to see where life will take me, but I'm still nervous.

Maybe I'll just ride the education train for a little bit longer. So what if I have over 140 credits — I'm a good student. Didn't you always tell us to do what we're good at? What about what makes me happy?

It seems like there's a simple answer: just leave me be. I'm happy with no real responsibilities.

November Love List

2009-11-26T11:51:00.002-07:00

• long-sleeve shirts

• boots

• blankets

• scented candles

• turkey

• mashed potatoes

• attempted trips to Mesa Falls

• soup

• Conference issue of the Ensign

• baking

• snow-covered trees

• work

• Thanksgiving

• pie

• first-time jello making experiences

• sunshine

• hot chocolate

new york sneak peak

2009-11-11T16:42:00.003-07:00

I promise, I will update soon.

Here's a little sneak peak from my New York trip. It was an absolutely amazing experience — visiting with all the companies, walking around Times Square, seeing The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway.

Where have all the Halloween shenanigans and candy gone?

2009-10-31T14:26:00.004-06:00

Most people spend Halloween getting ready for a night of shenanigans and candy. I used to be one of those people. Those were the days — carefree and candy-driven.

I don't plan on dressing up for the holiday tonight. I'm dressing up in my pajamas, but not my previously-planned Ginny Weasley costume.

Right now, I'm in the Scroll office. I have spent the day editing, listening to classic 90s music and watching "How I Met Your Mother." While some may not find this to be an adequate way to spend Halloween, I think it's great. I like editing, 90s music and "HIMYM."

I did celebrate Halloween last night. I carved a pumpkin, smeared pumpkin guts on Kyle's face, took a picture with said pumpkin and then went and blew up pumpkins. The only thing that was missing was candy. But I'm sure I'll fix that later today.

Anywho, I am about to leave the Scroll office to go and take some pictures for a video podcast. But I thought I'd mention that even though Elyssa Squires abandoned me this weekend, Kate Bailey made a triumphant return to Saturdays at the Scroll office. It really made my day.

Here's a picture documenting this momentous occasion.

And yes, I am aware how crazy my braid looks. Giant headphones tend to mess things up a bit.

Searching for joy

2009-10-28T09:47:00.003-06:00

Sometimes, it's hard to be happy. I think we can all agree on that.

I spent the majority of November 2008 to February 2009 trying to figure out why I wasn't happy. Life wasn't so bad. I was doing well in school. I had friends, family love and support.

I'm not saying that every moment of my life was spent down in the dumps. There were times when I felt great. But when the day ended, I just felt empty.

I tried to simply go on with life, not mentioning my unhappy state to many people.

While I was talking with a trusted friend, I put on a faint smile for our little conversation. After talking for a little bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "Are you doing OK?"

I guess I wasn't doing OK because I broke down. Every empty day came flooding to the surface. I admitted that I hadn't been happy for a while.

Here are a few things that I learned from the conversation that followed my unhappy confession:

We have trials in our lives. For me, and I'm sure many others, emptiness is a trial.

Happiness is a blessing. Sometimes we don't get to have every blessing we want. What we can do is work towards that blessing.

I know that some people think that we should just automatically be blessed with happiness — I was one of those people. While the Lord most definitely wants us to be happy, what would we learn from automatically receiving the cheery blessing?

Some mornings, we will wake up and have a merry demeanor. Other mornings, it won't come so easily. Those days, being happy takes work.

Working to be happy includes starting the day off with a prayer. Instead of asking to be happy, ask for opportunities to find happiness.

I've found that doing acts of service makes your more cheerful. I'm not saying that you need to go and do a grad act of service every morning. Put away dirty dishes, make a bed. Not only will you feel better, but your roommates/loved ones will, too. When I walk into a clean apartment, I almost instantly feel lighter.

It comes back to having a Christ-like attitude and demeanor. By lightening someone else's load, our burdens become easier to bear.

As I said earlier, I have been blessed with a loving family. When I start to slip into a depression of sorts, I look at my family's various blogs. Recently, I have found joy in the smiles, laughs and triumphs of my nieces and nephew.

When I see videos of my niece, Paisley, and my nephew Zander laughing, I feel full of life. they remind me to find joy in everyday life. Hearing my niece, Ayda, sing me a song she learned in nursery makes grey skies disappear. Watching a video of Paisley crawling helps me to remember that we can overcome seemingly small trials every day.

There are still days when I wake up searching for happiness, but now I know where to look.

Project photos

2009-10-20T10:52:00.006-06:00

Sitting next to a Mac causes me to waste time.

2009-10-19T11:46:00.004-06:00

This is what happens when I get bored and am sitting next to a Mac.
The 'P' stands for Paisley. I'm still thinking of designs for Ayda, Zander and Summer. They just all have cool names. I don't have all of my pictures with me, so this is just me messing around. If you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know. I want to make designs for each of them.

October love list

2009-10-18T19:03:00.002-06:00

I was inspired by my friend Brynn to write an October love list. So here goes:

• pumpkins

• crunchy leaves

• red leaves

• orange leaves

• baking and decorating cookies

• jackets

• dark colored clothing

• curling up in blankets outside

• autumn scented candles

• Halloween

• haunted houses

• corn mazes

• hay stacks

• long sleeve shirts

• light scarves

• ultimate

• soccer

• running

• the color orange

• General Conference

I'm sure there are many more things I love about October.

Abandoned, yet again.

2009-10-10T14:20:00.005-06:00

First, Kate Bailey abandons me on Scroll Saturdays. Now, Elyssa has abandoned me.

I do not approve.

Luckily, I have a good assistant that will listen to my ramblings and comments about non-sense articles. However, I can't ask him to participate in making movies or creating comics during free moments.

I do love Scroll, and today wasn't horrid. But it definitely lacked in exciting adventures, singing and impersonating. Where were the Russian accents, I ask you?!

While lamenting my sad state, I wrote a counterpoint to my friend Jeff's point on Dungeons and Dragons. Don't worry, I'll post it later.

This picture accurately portrays my feelings when I realized that Elyssa would not be coming into the office today.

Self-portrait pictures

2009-10-08T23:23:00.004-06:00

While I wasn't a huge fan of my self-portrait collage, I loved some of the pictures I took for the project.

I just love this first picture. I needed one that described my girly side. My good friend Eric helped me out by being my male model. He did such a great job :) This picture was taken on Eric's doorstep.

I feel like this next picture is the main facet of myself. I'm a student, and I love reading. This picture was taken on my parents' front porch. I love sitting out there on nice days.

Mondays, how I loathe thee.

2009-10-05T11:31:00.005-06:00

While most normal people don't care for Mondays without real cause, I have reason to thoroughly abhor them.

I am a copy editor for the university newspaper. This means that I get to read luckluster articles by less-than-mediocre writers. Most the time I have to read the stories twice.

Now it may seem like I absolutely hate my job. On the contrary. I quite enjoy copy editing. However, I don't care for writers (or editors) that don't feel the need to make the changes I have made.

Yes. Arrogant people who think that their mediocre writing is acceptable don't feel the need to make AP or coherency changes. So when I see a story for the second time with the same ridiculous mistakes, I tend to get agitated.

When people (*cough* editors) ask others if certain changes are right, I want to punch them in the face. I am the copy editor; do not ask the managing editor (who is in charge of design) if scroll photography is, in fact, not capitalized and if scroll really is italicized. I marked the changes. I know the style. Just please make the changes.

I know that I am not a perfect copy editor. But seriously, I know attribution styles for our newspaper. I'm paid $8 an hour to edit your pages. Get your money's worth by not questioning attribution style.

It's also snowing outside. On Oct. 5. Perhaps this has influenced my Garfield-esque attitude towards this particular Monday

P.S. I made our opinion editor Elyssa "cry baby" Squires cry.

And the hearts of men shall wax cold

2009-09-19T13:34:00.004-06:00

This editorial will appear in the 9.22.2009 issue of Scroll

When we were young, most of us were taught to mind our manners. Every time we wanted something, our parents gently reminded us to say “please.” If we received something, “thank you” was expected to roll off of our tongues.

As we proceeded through life, it was expected that we would add decorum to our please and thank yous.

However, many Americans seemed to have gotten lost somewhere on the road between please and thank you on the way to decorum.

On Sept. 9, President Barack Obama spoke to Congress regarding the need to renovate health care in the United States.

After telling Congress that the reforms on the health care plan would not apply to illegal immigrants, Congressman Joe Wilson, a Republican from South Carolina, yelled, “You lie!”

The shock on Speaker Nancy Pelosi's face said it all—what has happened to decorum in America?

There's nothing wrong with having a different opinion; America was built on differing views. But what happened to waiting until the proper forum for such comments?

“No matter who he is or how much we disagree with his policies, the president should be treated with respect,” said former President Jimmy Carter when interviewed by NBC's “Nightly News.”

Another woefully lost traveler on Civility Road is rapper Kanye West.

At the 2009 Video Music Awards on Sept. 13, country singer Taylor Swift was awarded “Best Female Video.” As Swift started to express her appreciation, Kanye West took the microphone and said, “Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time.”

Again, the shocked look on Swift's face questioned civility in America.

Fortunately, there are still those who retain some class and decorum.

Later that night, Beyoncé won “Best Video of the Year.” Instead of Beyoncé taking time to bask in the spotlight, she called Swift back up on stage to have the moment that was stolen from her.

Decorum isn't restricted to public outbursts. As college students, we show our professors the “good manners” that our mothers taught us—texting, surfing the Internet, sleeping in class, etc.

When we exhibit these manners, or lack thereof, we are telling professors that what they have to teach us isn't important. We are exhibiting poor decorum. Students might as well stand up in front of the teacher and say, “I'm sorry Brother Warnick, but Brother Bennett had one of the best classes of all time.”

Wake up. Put away the phone. Take notes instead of surfing the Internet.

And remember to say please and thank you.

Drained.

2009-09-15T13:04:00.002-06:00

I feel creatively drained.

No inspiring pictures to take.

No inspiring things to write.

Shots from Oregon

2009-09-03T17:54:00.002-06:00

Can I just say ...

2009-08-13T23:37:00.002-06:00

I have the best job ever.

Alumna, Zombie or Counselor?

2009-07-27T13:56:00.006-06:00

So I've been gone for about seven weeks. Some have wondered why the long hiatus.

Here are a few options:

1. I graduated from college and now have a real job.

2. I died, became a zombie and have just now re-learned to type.

3. I became an efy counselor.

While many think the zombie option would be the best bet, you would be wrong. I have been an efy counselor.

For those of you who don't know, efy stands for Especially for Youth. It's a week-long religious camp that is for boys and girls ages 14-18.

Not only are we trying to create a climate for the teenagers to feel the Spirit, we are trying to show them they can still have fun when following the commandments the Lord has given us.

Believe me, these kids don't need the help.

I've learned more from these teenagers then I could ever teach them. I know it's been said before, and it's a bit cliché, but the youth of today are the strongest generation yet.

I've had youth that have medical problems, medical problems in their family and are dealing with death in their families. Yet every day they wake up with a smile on their face, ready to be an example of the believers. (The theme of this year's efy is "Be Thou An Example." How appropriate.)

All of my weeks have brought out special experiences, but Rexburg 5 had an abundance.

First, this group was automatically different than all the others. We had three girl groups and one boy group—46 kids in all. The group name was 'Many Souls' (funny, I know).

The three other counselors and I were a little worried about unity within our group, but these kids were unified. A few occurrences solidified their bond.

One of our 34 girls had a seizure during testimony meeting. After we got the kids outside of the room, they immediately hit their knees. While all of the counselors were worrying, the youth knew where to go for help.

They were also given a testimony of the Lord working miracles through the priesthood.

One of our boys had an extremely hard life. I'm not sure if he was a member, but had a testimony. One thing he lacked was a set of scriptures.

The kids gathered money, went to the bookstore and bought him a set of scripture with his name embossed on them.

I have never cried so much as I did during this week. The strength that the kids have is inspiring. The caring they had for one another after a few days was amazing.

These kids also have odd senses of humor. I've had girls decide who I'm going to marry, and they blatantly try to get us together. (Picture girls looking up scriptures on celestial marriage, and sharing them during our company gospel study or writing "love notes" from me to my co-counselor and vice-versa.) While sometimes they have been embarrassing, overall they have been caring and funny.

I love each and every one of the youth I have had the blessing of being over. They are funny, spiritual and just plain amazing.

"Many Souls" counselors

Service activity

Escorting :)

P.S. Sorry this post is kind of haphazard. My thoughts are all sorts of mixed up right now :)

Rachelle and Nathan's announcements

2009-06-06T19:42:00.003-06:00

I took Rachelle's engagement photos yesterday, and today I made her announcements. (It's two-sided).

My first shoot with kids!

2009-05-22T19:15:00.006-06:00

These are just a few pictures from my first photo shoot with kids. It's definitely different. It was a lot of fun, but I was so unsure during the whole thing. For me, the baby was the hardest to shoot.

More random thoughts from the substitute

2009-05-12T19:40:00.003-06:00

After finishing the winter semester, I decided to be a substitute teacher for my old school district. I never thought that I'd be back roaming the halls that were painted with four years of my teenage memories. Though some structural changes have been made, the students inside are very much the same. The only difference is that I am now seeing them through older eyes.

In high school, I wouldn't have given much thought to others' modesty. But as I look at the girls entering my temporary classrooms, I blush at their choice of clothing. Heck, "ladies of the evening" would blush at their apparel.

After asking some of my old teachers if my class was that bad, they responded with, "Yes, but you guys still got in trouble for it." Nobody seems to care what the students are wearing anymore.

Another thing that wouldn't have bothered me during high school is the students' attitude towards homework. They're given nearly an hour to work on homework, and they just sit there and avoid it at all costs. I tried convincing them that it would be beneficial to get it done now so they wouldn't have to do it at home. (My high school self probably would have given me a look of disgust at that moment.) Some replied that they would do it during study period—yeah right. I rarely saw anyone do homework during study hall.

Then there were the students who decided that the work due at the end of the period wasn't worth their time. They'd rather listen to their iPods. I often think of ripping the headphones our of their ears, smacking them upside the head and telling them to get to work.

These kids don't know how good they've got it. I wish I could see their faces after their first day of college—what a rude awakening that will be.

The last thing that bothers me has bothered me since I was in high school and still bothers me in college—public make-out sessions. Seriously, I don't want to see that. I know that you love each other and all, but save it.

I would like to say that people have matured by the time they're in college, but that's not true. I think it's funny that married students think it's now OK for them to make-out in places of work, (*cough*i-Comm office*cough*) the library and in front of buildings. But to be perfectly frank, it's not.

I've always liked to think I was pretty mature even though I'm not. But after substituting for a few weeks, i have realized that I'm more mature than I was in high school. Some people may be thinking, "You better be, it's been four years." To those people, I'd like them to take a look at a few of the fine people I graduated with. They're exactly the same people they were in high school, except now it's legal for them to drink.

High school Jessica

Older, wiser Jessica

Alicia and Rachelle

2009-04-24T16:37:00.005-06:00

Before I left Idaho, we had a couple of beautiful days. My roommates and I took advantage of one of these rare days. These pictures are taken around Rexburg, mainly behind Reflections — the hair salon.

These are just a few of my favorites. I absolutely love photography.

The first is a shot I took of my old roommate, Alicia, while she was staring off into space.

The second picture is of my old roommate, Rachelle. At the beginning of June, I'll be taking her engagement shots.

The other two pictures are of Rachelle and Alicia.

Ms. G

2009-04-20T19:21:00.003-06:00

I am now a substitute teacher. My first day of substituting was spent in my old elementary school.

But let's take a few steps back. I received a call around 7 a.m. (Oh yeah, school started at 8 a.m. Thanks.) The school district was calling to see if I would be able to substitute at one of two elementary schools. Not wanting to get stuck with a bad grade, I asked what the different openings were.

They weren't different.

Both were full-day kindergarten.

Seriously — who thought of full-day kindergarten? Keeping five- and six-year-old kids focused on schoolwork for longer than 30 minutes is a feat rarely mastered.

Don't get me wrong, those kids can be down-right cute. But try convincing them that they need to do these math sheets, and no, I can not just forget the teacher's note and read you a story (even though I desperately wanted to).

Also, weren't recesses longer? I remember being able to play plenty of games during recess. But guess how long they were gone — 15 minutes. That's it. Back in my day, those schools knew to keep kids outdoors as long as possible.

After recess, the constant question was "When is lunch?" Believe me kid, it can not come fast enough.

Lunch provided a much needed rest. But let me tell you, I've never seen a clock's hands move around so fast.

As soon as I got the kids back to the classroom, you would not believe what was on the class schedule.

Fifteen minutes of PBS.

You're probably thinking that it was some educational program. No, it was something called Dragon Tales.

Seriously? TV time?

There wasn't a scheduled time to read to the class, but hey, turn on that TV.

I don't know about this full-day kindergarten business.

But at least the kids didn't leave me with a sour kindergarten taste. I had a group of girls sing me "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt," quite a few hugs, and a couple "I love yous." How can you dislike a group of kids that give you a hug just for helping them understand a math problem?

And after I told them my name was Ms. Gower, they decided to call me Ms. G. Seriously, best nickname to date.

General Conference — what a deal!

2009-04-05T23:04:00.003-06:00

General Conference weekend was wonderful. I got to hear from General Authorities, and I got to have fun with friends — what a deal!

But this post is mainly about some of my favorite thoughts from Conference.

First of all, I am so glad that we have a new apostle. We are so blessed to have Neil L. Andersen as the newest member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

I loved Elder Robert D. Hales talk. His wife's words of wisdom, along side his, were first-rate. The four most caring words: "We can't afford it." Also, her response to when he wanted to buy her a fancy coat: "Where would I wear it?" and "Are you buying this for me, or for you?" Another favorite quote — definitely one to remember: "We can afford it, but we don't need it."

It definitely helped to put my spending habits into perspective. I also like how Elder Hales referred to debt as a self-imposed servitude. The last note I wrote down during that talk was this: "We must want more than anything else to do our Father's will." It was a truly inspired talk.

While some don't care as much to hear from the female leaders of the church, I found their words to be very important. I love hearing from the sisters, as I love hearing from the brethren.

Sister Margaret S. Lifferth, the first counselor in the primary presidency, talked about respect for each other and reverence for God. Reverence is respect mingled with love. I thought these words are becoming desperately needed as many of us in the church are guilty of not showing proper reverence and respect for God or His children. One thing that's been said to me before, but really touched me as she said it was this: "We must be examples." We all talk about making the world a better place, and what better way to help then to teach our younger generations. I'm not a mother yet, but that doesn't mean I can't help. One way I hope to help is by being an EFY counselor this year.

One subject that was mentioned by bother President Henry B. Eyring and Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was that of Jesus' personal knowledge of our sufferings. President Eyring reminded us that Christ learned through His experiences during His mortal life. He knows our needs because He experienced it. We can never say of Christ, "Oh, you wouldn't understand." He understands better than anyone else, and He is there for us.

Elder Holland reminded us that Christ's journey was a solitary one. His friends betrayed Him, and even His Father removed His own presence at the end.

At this point, everything that my bishop had talked to me about previously made sense. I've had a hard time feeling happy this semester. I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't helping me to feel better. Bishop Moore said that sometimes we are not blessed to have the overwhelming presence of the Lord with us. Even though we can't feel Him there, we need to remember that He is there for us — we need to go on in faith, believing that He is listening.

Christ knew that His Father was there — He had faith. Elder Holland reminded us that Christ's solitary journey brought us unfailing companionship. We will never be left alone. He also reminded us to never leave Christ alone, without aid, again. We need to stand by Jesus Christ.

Steven E. Snow, of the Seventy, (I believe) spoke about coping with change. He gave four guiding principles to help go through change: 1. Follow the prophets, 2. Keep an eternal perspective, 3. Have faith. Move forward with faith and 4. Be of good cheer. This talk helped me as I am approaching the end of my college career and moving on into the real world (cue scary music, please).

A couple other thoughts that I found particularly inspiring were: "You are never lost when you can see the temple," Gary E. Stevenson, of the Seventy. "We do not serve well if we fear man more than God," Elder Dallin H. Oaks. There are many more, but perhaps those will be subjects of posts later.

I'd like to close this entry with my feelings for our prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I know that he is truly a mouthpiece of our Lord. He is a prophet, seer and revelator. When the choir was singing "We Thank Thee O' God for a Prophet," tears came to my eyes. How lucky we are to live in this dispensation. The gospel has truly been restored.

President Monson spoke a couple of times throughout Conference, but I felt like his closing statements were blunt and said some of the most important things: Strive to live closer to the Lord; Pray always; Be careful of Satan's snares and enticements; and finally "Choose you this day whom ye will serve ... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15).

Truly, an inspiring weekend.

poster by Jessica L. Gower

Alaska!

2009-03-22T18:59:00.005-06:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged. How about a little update on my life.

On Friday, March 6, I headed up to Alaska for Paisley Jane Gower's blessing.

On Saturday, we went to the start of the Iditarod. I think the best part of that day was being able to spend time with a lot of my family.

Paisley was blessed in the Strawberry Chapel in Anchorage on March 8.

The trip went much too fast. But I got to spend time with family and hold my newest niece—a lot!

Now I'm back to studying. Only three more weeks until the end of the semester.

Hopefully, as I have more time, I will be able to post more pictures.

Paisley and Aunt Jessie

Paisley Jane

Iditarod

Like mother, like daughter: The Gower Girls

2009-02-27T19:46:00.003-07:00

When I think about mother-daughter relationships, I turn to my all-time favorite TV show, Gilmore Girls. (Yes, I am aware how girly this makes me look.)

Within three generations of Gilmore Girls exist two polar opposite mother-daughter relationships.

Emily and Lorelai have a fractured relationship which means their conversations often end in an argument. Emily is structured. Lorelai is free-spirited. One quote from Lorelai said it all: "Give me a burger, onion rings and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I need some heroes."

Then there's Lorelai and Rory, a mother and daughter duo that couldn't be closer. Lorelai and Rory can be summed up with a quote from Rory's valedictorian speech: "My ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood."

As I've been at college, I've found that a lot of girls unfortunately have relationships that are closer to Emily and Lorelai's. I never knew how blessed I was to have a relationship with my mother that resembles that of Lorelai and Rory's.

Friends of my mom have often said I look exactly like her. We could never understand why people though we looked alike. My mom was often mistaken for my cousin's mom, never for mine. Then we realized that it's our personalities that are scarily alike. When people think I'm a little weird, they meet my mom and instantly understand.

When I've related an experience to my mom, she has often said, "Oh, you are too much like your mother."

As I've gotten older, I've grown even closer to my mom. We've had many Gilmore moments (And yes, she knows what "Gilmore moments" are because we watched the show together.) I used to think it was a curse being the only girl with three older brothers, but I probably wouldn't have had the same bond with my mom if I'd had any sisters.

My mom has been there for everything. She, along with my dad, was at all of my sporting events cheering me on. She drove me to every activity I was a part of. She helped me get ready for all of my dances. She held me as I cried over boys who broke my heart.

I am her favorite daughter, and she is my favorite mom.

Side note: I wrote this column for the Mothers' Weekend edition of Scroll in 2008.